I’ve never worked out how to cope with this feeling, beyond trying to numb it with more damaging behavior. I just feel so…bad, in a way I don’t know how to express. I don’t know if it’s even guilt or remorse. But whenever anyone’s kind or compassionate towards me, it just reinforces to me how utterly worthless I am. Because I don’t deserve any kindness or compassion. And they wouldn’t be saying those things if they knew the truth about me.
The truth is, I shouldn’t exist. I don’t even deserve a peaceful death. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to burn in hell. If anyone does, I do.
So it hurts, anytime anyone’s truly kind, or supportive, or compassionate. Because I can’t accept that reaching out, that humanity. Not really. I know that it’s not for me. It’s for the typical person they’re assuming I am – deserving of that humanity. And I know that it would be withdrawn, as it should be, if the full truth were to be known.
And I don’t know how to deal with the pain that comes from that recognition. I’ve created this chasm between myself and humanity, separating me from all goodness, kindness, and decency. And I’ve never been able to see any way back.
I don’t know how to live with that feeling. It’s hard to explain. Guilt, shame, or remorse don’t really cover it. I’ve killed my own humanity, so whenever others demonstrate theirs, it reminds me what I threw away. I suppose it’s a kind of loss. Or moral isolation. And I’ll do anything I can to escape that recognition, including denying the humanity of others in my mind.
So I don’t know if I should be posting here. On the one hand I don’t deserve help or support, and the kindness & compassion of others can never truly comfort me, because I know it’s undeserved. On the other hand writing is a way of trying to process a feeling I have no idea how to live with – and doing so to others makes me feel a little less alone – like this insoluble problem might have some solution, even if I can’t imagine what it could be. When faced with something I have no idea how to live with, the impulse is to reach out across the chasm, even if I can see that doing so is futile.
6 comments
It seems you might be carrying around a lot of guilt/regret for things you might’ve done. I think those who are willing to own up to their mistakes, make amends deserve forgiveness and to be given friendship and support.
It’s those people who’ve done wrong who feel no shame or regret for their behavior that I have no sympathy for. So just by the fact that you feel remorse/regret means that you’ve become a better person. Maybe you got away with doing something wrong and felt you should be punished for it, that’s the sense I’m getting from your post.
Sometimes it’s not possible to say ‘sorry’ to someone you wronged. But you have to be able to forgive yourself for who you were before and the mistakes you made and try not to repeat them.
So if people are showing you sympathy, accept it and move on. Stop beating yourself up-don’t you feel you suffered enough already? Life is already hard enough on all of us, no need to punish yourself on top of it. I don’t know how you carry around these negative feelings about yourself and still deal with all the other problems life throws at you.
I hated myself for the dumb mistakes I’ve made, for feeling like a loser, etc. But I’ve left all that behind me (not entirely but mostly), because my focus now is to get in a better place in life so I can find a great girl/partner to travel and enjoy life with. I’m in my 40s and I want to make the most of the time I have while I’m still somewhat ‘young.’ I hope you’re able to let go of your past or whatever demons are bothering you, good luck.
It’s not really something I can own up to, at least not without intolerable costs to myself and my family. There’s also no one specific I can make amends to. I do feel shame and regret, but the problem is that it’s not consistent. The part of me that behaved like that is still there under the surface, and there are times when it still dominates my mindset. I guess it’s something I’m trying to work on, but I only have the strength to try some of the time, and when I don’t I just end up further reinforcing old ways of thinking. I’m trying not to repeat the worst of my mistakes, but I don’t know if that part of me will ever be sufficiently changed that I’ll feel I can move on.
I don’t know how to stop feeling bad about myself, or causing myself suffering. Again, it’s something I’m trying to work on, but it’s so hard to keep my mind on track. The truth is I don’t deal with all the other problems life raises. I avoid facing them. I’m barely functional.
I hated myself for the dumb stuff long before I did anything really bad. I wish I’d addressed that before I gave my self-hatred something concrete to stand on. I hope you find your partner and the life you’re looking for.
Hey husk. I wish i could find some of my old posts on my first account years back but they really are very similar.
An interesting thought i’ve had since then is that self abuse is actually very selfish. If you really did something wrong that you regret and want to atone for, then the correct option is to lay yourself down and ask forgiveness. Not necessarily to any one person but to the world in general.
if you hide within yourself tearing at your mind and cutting away your humanity into bits and pieces for what you’ve done, you’re really only avoiding judgement. We can’t atone by punishing ourselves. No matter how much we abuse ourselves that is still only fleeing responsibility for our actions.
If you really did wrong and want to atone, perhaps the correct thing is TOO accept the compassion you receive. Perhaps refusing it is an even further admission of your fleeing into self abuse.
I can see that self-hatred can be selfish. I don’t think this is stuff I can ask for forgiveness on though. I wouldn’t expect to receive any, and the prospect is utterly terrifying. I feel like it’d destroy me. I am both avoiding judgement & fleeing responsibility, because I feel like it’d be the end of me. Maybe that’s wrong – I don’t know. But I think I’d find the courage to kill myself long before I’d ever have the courage to face that.
It’s difficult to emotionally accept compassion that’s offered on false premises. But perhaps I do need to find some way to produce it within myself, in order to avoid reinforcing self-abusive patterns and really change.
Ya know I don’t really see kindness when I see other people….. it’s good you have people showing you things as kindness and decency….. I do not get shown these things
I’m sorry to hear that. I guess people often aren’t treated the way they deserve.