I posted awhile ago about ending up in the hospital. I have now been here a little over 3 weeks and I am being discharged tomorrow.
The thing is, the drug they gave me (lurasidone) was starting to work…and I actually thought “maybe I will give this whole staying alive thing a shot”.
When I went into hospital, I was pretty sure the friends who had taken me in were not going to want me back. (There is only so much that you can expect people to put up with).
But they really surprised me. They said of course you are welcome back, and stay until you have your health back. They met with the Dr for a discharge planning meeting and they asked what they could do to help. I felt so touched. I remember other times when I was in the hospital and I had no supports whatsoever. I just walked out the hospital door back to an empty apartment. There were times when I had people in my life who, by virtue of the relationship (parents, long term boyfriend), should have wanted to meet the Dr, but they never did. And here were these people who had no obligation whatsoever, doing more for me than anyone ever had. It made me want to fight to get better.
I saw these two people as more than friends…more like family. Living with them was the first time I had experienced a warm, loving environment. I was so grateful to be leaving the hospital and going back there…
And then, they showed up out of the blue and broke the news that they can’t have me stay anymore because my friend fell into a depression herself and she needs time and space to recover. They were really apologetic, and I understand that it came out of the blue for them too. (I know how it can come on: you’re fine until you’re not).
I am heartbroken. I feel like I have lost my family. I know it couldn’t have lasted forever (I mean, we are grown adults…we can’t just live in a self-constructed frat house our whole lives). But to have it end so abruptly…it just feels like a bad breakup…in fact it feels worse than any break up I have ever been through.
It also hurts that, while I saw them as supports in my recovery, they see me as an impediment to my friend’s recovery. Why can’t we fight this together?
But mostly I’m just grief stricken from the loss. I already lost my job and my beloved little dog…and now I’ve lost my pseudo family.
My heart is irreparably broken…and I just don’t see anything left in my life that is worth fighting for.
2 comments
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I think one of the worst things I’ve ever heard was “this isn’t working out” with regards to me staying with family (by choice instead of blood). it was a terrible feeling. and knowing it had to do with the way I am, made it worse. they dropped me off at relatives, which being fair is how I was mostly given to them.
I thought they didn’t want me anymore.
and time passed, and things calmed down. we still love each other, see each other. sometimes distance is needed, even though it hurts. and it hurt.
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I don’t think you should see it as losing them forever, or even losing them.. just that, yeah for a little bit they need space. the way you’ve described them over your posts, they sound like really supportive people. and like you said they were apologetic, I don’t think it means they’re exactly giving up on you either.
sigh. I hope you can give it some time, too.
Thanks Freeroma. I really appreciate this very supportive post. These two people still want to be my friends but at the moment my heart is just so broken that I can’t be around them without crying. I completely understand why they needed their space back, and it was absolutely 100% the right decision. If they had not made the decision and we had limped along, things might have blown up and the friendship would have been unsalvageable.
It’s just that moving in with them was the best thing to happen to me in a long time, if not ever. And I lost it really abruptly. And it just hurts. I just feel my heart is broken and there are shards of broken heart just digging into my chest all the time. I’m sure you know the feeling.
Right now I am trying to be practical and problem solve. If there’s one thing I am good at, it is moving on and starting over all by myself. I am house sitting right now, so I have some space and some quiet, which I really need. I need to remind myself that I was on my I own for years and I was fine. So I’m moving on, and I hope that some day the friendship that I thought was so great will re-establish itself and feel good again. But for now I’m just taking some time away because I need time for the wound to heal.