I am scared but I am doing this. I wrote an entry back in January about how I was going to give myself until my birthday to turn things around, or I was going to do it.
Well, things have only gotten worse since January. In addition to having lost a job and my adorable little dog, I have now also lost my best friend. I have not gotten any better at handling life. And I tried. I tried medication. I tried therapy. I was in the hospital for three weeks. And none of it helped. None of it.
I don’t know what is wrong with me. But I do know that I am an unequivocal failure at life and that I cannot keep doing this. I don’t want to hurt my family–I really, really don’t. But I just cannot do this anymore. I keep coming back to death time and time again. This is my destiny. I wish someone else could understand that.
I have everything ready.. I’m not going to disclose the method, as the site rules prohibit this, so please don’t ask. Tonight at 3am, I shall finally be at peace.
48 comments
Godspeed.
Sorry to read this. I know what it’s like to have multiple things fall apart at the same time. It sent me over the edge 7 years ago and I tried to leave the planet. Obviously it didn’t work but I was as close to being on the other side as you can get and somehow survived. Yeah you can’t live for other people. Wish there was something I could say but your mind is made up. I believe there’s light at the end of the tunnel and whether you find it here or in another place I know you’ll eventually be at peace.
Is this your first attempt?
I thought I was ready, but when the time came I regretfully realized I was not able to go through with it..
nope. Not my first proverbial rodeo. this will be lucky attempt number three.
How old are you and are you make or female if you don’t mind me asking?
Female. Just turned 35.
I’m 32 male.
It’s always difficult to plan suicide for our age.
Can you explain your thoughts to me? I know u are planning very soon.
I hope u don’t go through a lot of pain.
I have just failed at life. I lost my job, had to give up my adorable little dog, and I lost my best friend. I took out a lot of debt to go to school and I”ve failed in my career.
I have started over many times. moved across the country for jobs several times. and somehow I just wreck every opportunity that comes my way.
I’m currently homeless. I was living with friends who wanted me to stay until I got my health back. I was in the hospital and they were doing discharge planning with the Drs and asking how they could help. Then all of a sudden they came and said that my friend had had a relapse in her depression so I couldn’t stay anymore. which makes sense…I mean, you can’t have two depressed people living together. But then before I left she said something that suggested the real reason I had to leave was because I wasn’t trying hard enough to get well. So now I feel like this was just one more opportunity that I blew.
who knows what really happened. All I know is she was my best friend and I’ve lost her and I’m devastated. She said the friendship was not over, and she has sent a few (pretty banal) texts, but it feels over.
Just tonight I met with other friends who offered for me to stay with them for a month, which buys me more time to find a job. also I got lots of compliments on losing 60 pounds so for awhile I thought hey, maybe I won’t do this tonight. maybe I can turn things around.
But I know I can’t. And I’m just tired of trying. I have been thinking of death over and over. I don’t really want to do this but I feel there is no other way out.
Right now I am drinking to get my courage up. I’m thinking in another three hours I will be good to do what I planned to do. it is going to be painful as fuck, but it should work.
Are you from USA?
Nope. Canada
Seems like there are suicidal people all over the world.
I wish I could take your pain away, I also wish you could take my pain away too, but we both know that is not possible.
By the sound of your reply your method being psinful, sounds like hanging to me?
Have you seen any videos of people dying the way you are planning to?
We aren’t supposed to discuss methods on the site…but no it. Isn’t hanging. And I don’t have any videos.
I think we can talk about methods but we can’t go in to detail about it. They don’t want people to learn how to kill themselves easier.
For example you can say you are going to poison yourself, but you can’t say the name or quantity of the poison.
I’m going to be on here tonight to hear what you have to say. I’m not going to encourage you and I’m not going to discourage you, all I know is not an easy thing to do. And it’s a very draining feeling, if you can’t go through with it.
I tried a few times and could not go through with it although I had things planned and set.
Even after having a plan and everything set, I could not go through with it.
It’s not easy.
Thanks. It really helps to have you here. I am just so tired of being alone all the time. I’m scared to do this but I feel like I don’t have a choice. I just want out. but at the same time…I miss my old life. having a job, and my little dog, and my own place to live…it just all hurts so much to have lost everything and I don’t see how I can ever get it back…I miss my dog the most. I loved that little guy and I hat that I couldn’t take care of him.
You did what you thought was best for your pup. And that’s better than how alot of people treat their “animals”.
You have a good heart I can sense it from here, this is a rough world, not meant for us soft hearts.
I don’t want to see you in pain. This is something that I think you should really think about throughly. I’m not going to say it’s the right or wrong thing to do, all I’m going to say it’s really difficult to go through with it from my experience.
And if you can’t go through with it, let me know I’ll be here to hear you out. Either way it will not be easy, I’m having a very difficult time too.
I wouldn’t be on this site if I didn’t have to. But I wish I was dead also. It’s just really hard to go through with it.
Post me your last thoughts before your attempt and then if you can’t go through with it post me your thoughts about not being able to through with it.
I’ll be on here looking for your posts, and replys.
thank you so much….yeah, it is hard to go through with. I’m scared. I wish I had not talked to people today because they sparked that hope that I know is false. I am going to take some time to finish writing my notes and organizing my stuff. I want it clearly laid out who is to be notified and everything. thanks for being here. Well, figuratively here anyway.
Let me know when u are done organizing everything, and tell me how you feel and what your thoughts are.
I left my reply further below..sorry it jumped out of the thread for some reason.
You don’t seem like someone that deserves to be going through what you are going through either.
I felt blank when I was trying to hang myself too.
Not easy what ever rout you take.
obviously for selfish reasons I hope to hear back from you.
Shit, I made the mistake of calling the crisis line, just to talk through things to make sure I was really ready…and unbeknownst to me they called the cops (I didn’t think they , tracked my Location through cell towers…and the cops dragged me to the hospital…so now I am sitting in the fucking ER….the cops were really nice, but fuck…this is not how I was expecting this to go.
I didn’t think the crisis line traced calls and I told them I would call back if I still felt suicidal…instead they went and called the cops…I’m just flabbergasted.
Post back when u can, Im having a horrible night I feel this black hole inside of me a lot of unrest. My mind is all mixed up. I hope I die in my sleep painlessly.
Yeah you will be at a psychiatric ward for a while.
Hang in there it’s going to get weird.
I been there once. And it’s a tricky situation so I cant give you advise. Post here anytime you can.
Thanks for your support. I just got out of the psych ward two weeks ago. I was in there for three weeks. This is a different hospital though so at least there is some variety.
You sound like you are feeling ok right now.
I don’t know why but I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. But then life is really hard. I don’t know what’s better to be alive in pain or dead.
I hope you don’t go through to much pain.
Thanks. now I mostly feel queasy from drinking too much.
Post back when u can, Im having a horrible night I feel this black hole inside of me a lot of unrest. My mind is all mixed up. I hope I die in my sleep painlessly.
Hey there, I’m so sorry you had a rough night. I hope that you are feeling better. what Gary said above is true: you really helped me last night. it helped to feel less alone, and I hate being in the hospital but the fact that you asked me to keep posting made me feel better. I do not have my friends to come visit me and talk to this time so having you “there” really does help, even though I don’t know you.
I just saw the Dr now. they said I need to stay at least overnight and they are going to get a social worker to see me to see if they can help with my housing and financial situation. I doubt they will because I already went through this before and there was nothing they could do for me. But I guess I will play along….
Seriously, I hope you are doing better today. take care of yourself. I will update as I can. my phone is running out of charge and I don’t know if they will charge it for me…
I wouldn’t say you’re a failure, miss. you’ve put an honest effort into lots of things.
sometimes a down slope takes too long to go back up.. once in awhile things can turn around when it doesn’t seem likely.
death is destiny no matter what, (in)definite dates aside.
I’m sorry, for what it’s worth.
Thanks.
maybe part of the reason her messages haven’t been in-depth is that she knows how you feel currently about the situation.. it can be hard to put things back together, and sometimes navigation with emotions is hard, especially adding depression on it.. sometimes it’s hard to offer what you aren’t emotionally connected to, y’know? and better sometimes to stick to trivial topics.. not always personal.
at least those other friends are offering a chance, too. it may not be *the* way, but it’s technically a way.
Im not sure if once death enters as an option, it ever really stops being one.. you saying you don’t really want this, like you feel backed into it.. it sucks. I know what it’s like where after that bright spark of maybe it comes back down to yeah, right (though it can be wrong). it’s like this is the default no matter what else.
Thanks. Yeah, I get what you are saying about my friend. I just want it to go back to how it was before. but maybe it wasn’t as good as I thought it was to begin with, Who knows….I’m just exhausted…exhausted and a little drunk by this point.
okay, I’ve packed my stuff and left my notes. somehow I’m not as drunk as I should be. I’m not sure I can access the intensity I need to overcome the survival instinct. I’m reminding myself of all the reasons I need to do this. and yet somehow I just feel blank. damn, maybe I drank too much. okay, well I a, going to go try and see if I am up to going through with this. if I don’t do it, I will let you know. If you don’t hear back…well, that means I’m gone. thanks again for just being here. I needed to not be alone right now. So..thank you. And I hope that things turn around for you. You seem like a nice person. Like someone who doesn’t deserve to die.
You don’t seem like someone that deserves to be going through what you are going through either.
I felt blank when I was trying to hang myself too.
Not easy what ever rout you take.
obviously for selfish reasons I hope to hear back from you.
@ladolcemorte hope you didnt attempt, you have a lot of life to live and give. You lost your dog your best friend and job, this doesn’t warrant taking your life at all, in my opinion.
Suicide involving increasing pain is almost impossible to complete. The only way would be to shut the door behind yourself and be on a fixed path to death whether you change your mind or not. Something like hanging from a height with hands tied behind, or jumping. There will be terror and you will wish you could reverse things no matter how much you wanted to die. When people jump try to back out after they have jumped flailing their arms before impact, I’m put off by the last moments of unresolved terror, let alone the pain from other methods.
Well I called the crisis line and they called the cops and now I am sitting in the ER…And I just got out of the hospital two weeks ago. I guess maybe the fact that I called the line suggests I wasn’t ready but I didn’t know they would call the cops…so…yeah…still alive, for better or for worse
I wouldn’t have called the crisis line if it was me. I would have just put off my suicide. But I hope your stay at the psych ward is not that bad. It could be hell depending on what type of Dr. Or nurses you get. They are not all nice.
Well good luck to you. Maybe things will turn around after your hospital stay. Who knows
You do realise that they treat suicidal people by making them zombies with antipsychotics do they are incapable of killing themselves in future. Don’t get sectioned this was my downfall
You better just say you were drunk and swear you’re not suicidal, the mental health system will swallow you up once they get those drugs into your bloodstream, tread carefully and never go to mental health professionals
Exactly they call the cops on the drop of dime that is really a bad thing.
Yet the very reason I keep completely alone the rest of my life
If you hide everything they can’t find you/… you will blend in the best you can so they don’t find you
If they find you your a goner so thats the best I have on your new relationship with the “force”
See this is where it gets tricky… they find your IP they can find you anywhere they can follow you wherever you go whatever you do….. you have to watch your back.. anything you say or do can be used against you, unconsciously, through force, just depends on how much they enjoy sabotage..
I agree with what you said Agonizing. Every word of it.
Well I’m kind of glad you called the suicide hotline. Maybe the fact that they called the cops and got you means it wasn’t your time to go yet. I’m glad the cops were nice. When I checked last night there were 2 replies, mine and another one. When I got up today there were 39. I see you talked a lot to her definitelyworried. That’s exactly what she needed at the time because she didn’t want to be alone. Thanks for doing that.
I see you talk quite a bit when you make a post on someone’s thread. Maybe that’s the reason You’re still here. You gave her something probably no other poster could at a time she really needed it. I know this sounds like an insane thing to say but maybe you should try to get a job at a suicide hotline. I don’t know if they’re volunteers or if they get paid. You would be really good at it because you like to talk and help people and being suicidal yourself you would get where they’re coming from.
That’s an asset because I don’t think most people who do that job are suicidal and you would really understand where these people are coming from. Also it would give you a sense of purpose. The best jobs to have are to do things that you’re naturally good at and you’re already doing it here for free.
Thanks Gary. I guess last night wasn’t my time…
5 months….. now that’s a LONG time to be jobless…. please please try again and again and again and again to get back into a job…..you will be happier.
Dying in a van parked near the river is the saddest thing ever. (Unless you’re linked to Scooby Doo & The Mystery Machine).
Really. Don’t kill yourself just yet. Solve a mystery or two first. (Or just watch at least 100 breakfast cereal commercials before offing yerself).
Life will eventually kill you, there’s no need to accelerate the inevitable.