My therapist…

thinks that I’m pessimistic.  She talks as if I choose to be sad when sadness is not an option. I wonder if we are living in the same world but then I realize she is a Cis-gender straight woman.  I don’t know much about her politic or her involvement in community work or in anti-oppression work.  She says my life is good and that she doesn’t understand why I’d want to die.  I feel like I would generally be annoyed but I like her as a therapist and as a person.  she seems open to asking questions and learning.

I’m at work right now, wondering how to make life tolerable.  Alcohol and drugs seem somewhat fun but it’s not something I can do all of the time.  I think I want to cry but to be honest I’m not sure.  My eyes are itchy and teary but I don’t know if I’ll cry any time soon. I don’t really cry much since I started testosterone.  I know that I am still somewhat in touch with my feelings but I also know that I don’t generally want to be alive.

I struggle and still fight but parts of me don’t want to live this life. I know it’s beautiful and interesting and exciting sometimes but it’s also lonely and empty and hard and painful.  I’m not sure what i feel most of the time. It’s probably this numbness and almost indifference.  I will carry on because I am afraid of the alternative for now.  Death is not an easy choice.  I’ve failed so many times and I don’t have the stomach for anything too heavy. I wonder about plans that are better left unwritten but everything seems exhausting and challenging. Basically nothing is easy. I know it’s not meant to be. Maybe I’ll just get another tattoo and call it a day. Best of luck to all of you.