Is just not my day. This weekend was REALLY hard. I don’t know how I’m alive but here I am. I’m kind of amazed that I made it through this sadness and madness. Push forward. Make it through today. That is my only goal. Mercury is in retrograde. I am feeling shitty and communication is all messed up which really helps. I pray god to have pity on me but here I am still. I think if one more thing goes wrong, I may actually lose it. I’m a bit worried but I just gotta try my best. That’s all that I have.
I hesitate to write here because there isn’t really anything new. People are awful, I try to be kind and get taken advantage of and keep thinking that “this time things will be different.” The thoughts of wanting to die stay with me as much as I shake them off. I’m not worried that I’m going to try to kill myself because life is pretty much the same shit it has been and it’s been about 10 years since I’ve attempted anything. Things aren’t really that bad but today feels heavy and hard. I’m not in the mood to excuse everyone’s shit. I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be vented to, I don’t have it in me to hear about anything or anyone. I don’t want to look at my house, which is a mess. I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go anywhere else either though. I am dating a person and while that brings me some joy, the sadness and loneliness always fight their way in and the thoughts of “she doesn’t really love you,” “no one really cares,” “people will never treat you well,” “you don’t deserve to be treated well” will always wage a fucking war on my heart. Everyone is struggling to be kind to each other, although I see some people making more efforts than other people. Most people are garbage people. Maybe I’m a garbage person. Hopefully this all ends soon and I won’t have to deal with all of the things. No need to leave comments, not sure that they really matter.
Today and yesterday are hard days. So many little things adding up to make it hard to climb out of this sadness. I ordered some new clothes but it’s all too small for me, my laptop died, the light above my desk at work is dead so I’m just stuck in the darkness, and this boy I went on a date with wants to just be friends. Work is blah, relationships are blah, I wake up alone every day and I wonder if things will ever change. I’ve been living alone for years now. No friends, no lovers. Well my ex partner lived with me for a few months a while back but I fucked that up because of anxiety, neediness and fear.
Today I cried on my commute to work. Clearly I’m a fucking mess. Everything feels like garbage. I feel like I’m breaking down. I have to keep fighting but i feel tired of fighting. I’m just crying and wishing to god that I would die because I don’t want to keep going. I don’t see the point. I would usually say I have to change something in my life, adjust something but right now I don’t feel like any adjustment would suffice. I want to not want a partner. I want to not mind being alone every morning. And when someone is in my bed there’s no room for me in it. I feel like I’m suffocating slowly.
Tengo que seguir luchando. pero mi corazon se siente ya muerto.
I keep teetering between being ok and being miserable. That is my baseline today. I need to breathe and work through it. I am strong because I have survived.
Tomorrow I fly away to visit family and I’m terrified. It’s not gonna be how I thought it would. Just found out a bunch of new things about family dynamics that I’m struggling to accept. My mother seems to have forgiven my father for his trespasses. I can’t and I don’t want to spend more time with him. I’m just trying to hope that I don’t get into conflict with him. I wanted to look forward to my vacation but now I’m dreading it. I just want to stay home and die. Why is everything garbage? And part of me knows it’s not actually all garbage but I’m in an awful place right now and I hate everyone and want to kill everyone including myself. I hope I figure out a way to deal and put on a fake smile cuz I don’t really have much of another choice. Maybe I should just double check Air Bnbs.
visiting this website. 30 years of life. 22ish years of depression and anxiety. 9 years since I tried to kill myself last. 15 years since I first started trying to kill myself. None of these numbers feel like they mean anything when I hear my inner voice(s) telling me that I should jump onto the train tracks or that I should just stay in bed forever or that nothing I do is good enough and that I’m actually an awful person that no one really loves.
I think I need to increase my meds. I’m starting to waver and worry. Nothing I do will make these feelings go away and that really sucks. All I can do is fight them constantly. so drained though. I need to rest but if I keep moving that’s the easiest way of avoiding getting stepped on by the big heavy feet of depression. I don’t want to be pinned to the earth but also I want to put a fucking target on my back and let it all go to shit. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.
I’m kinda proud of myself that I haven’t posted for so many months. Those feelings linger under the surface but they haven’t been bursting for a while. I have a therapist that I really like, been seeing her for a few months. She’s really great, very weird but very dynamic and i really enjoy talking to her. I just got back form a vacation i took from work but I’m itching to get away again. Haven’t even caught up on my work. But probably the overwhelming feeling of being behind is impacting that a bit. Once I get back on track, probably by Monday or Tuesday, maybe I’ll feel differently. I wouldn’t be opposed to a random tragedy but I’m not begging for it right now. I realize that I’ve been on here for about 3.5 years. It reminds me of Xanga except I generally use it to talk about sadness, complication or lack thereof.
Thanks to the folks that madesustain this forum for making a place to talk to other folks and support each other.
I don’t know that I can wait death out. I thought that if I wasn’t good enough or strong enough to take my own life that maybe I could just live life and wait it out because death comes eventually and what does it matter if I die now or in thirty years. It’s all the same bullshit. I don’t know if I have the patience required for this plan. My heart is heavy today with the weight of things unsaid. Once more I’m tired. But I don’t know what to do because I know I’ll just fail once more unless i do something inconsiderate that would cause more trauma.
thinks that I’m pessimistic. She talks as if I choose to be sad when sadness is not an option. I wonder if we are living in the same world but then I realize she is a Cis-gender straight woman. I don’t know much about her politic or her involvement in community work or in anti-oppression work. She says my life is good and that she doesn’t understand why I’d want to die. I feel like I would generally be annoyed but I like her as a therapist and as a person. she seems open to asking questions and learning.
I’m at work right now, wondering how to make life tolerable. Alcohol and drugs seem somewhat fun but it’s not something I can do all of the time. I think I want to cry but to be honest I’m not sure. My eyes are itchy and teary but I don’t know if I’ll cry any time soon. I don’t really cry much since I started testosterone. I know that I am still somewhat in touch with my feelings but I also know that I don’t generally want to be alive.
I struggle and still fight but parts of me don’t want to live this life. I know it’s beautiful and interesting and exciting sometimes but it’s also lonely and empty and hard and painful. I’m not sure what i feel most of the time. It’s probably this numbness and almost indifference. I will carry on because I am afraid of the alternative for now. Death is not an easy choice. I’ve failed so many times and I don’t have the stomach for anything too heavy. I wonder about plans that are better left unwritten but everything seems exhausting and challenging. Basically nothing is easy. I know it’s not meant to be. Maybe I’ll just get another tattoo and call it a day. Best of luck to all of you.
I don’t know how to communicate what I’m feeling to my partner. We haven’t spent time away together for over a year and getting her to commit to something is just more energy than I have. I don’t want to struggle through this anymore. I don’t want to do anything. a part of me would rather be dead than deal with this stupid conversation one more time. I just feel broken. Like nothing matters. Like I don’t matter. I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know if this will work. I don’t know if I want to even be with anyone. I’m so tired. Maybe I should just foster a child on my own and call it a day. I can build my life around that. But should I make that commitment knowing that I still think about dying many days. Would they even let me? I’m drained. To many possibilities, not enough options. God, please see it fit to kill me. I’ve survived for so long. Give me nothingness.
continue today. I know my day just started out wrong and things have been going wrong here and there for the last few weeks. I’m hurt, sprained my ankle but might need surgery because I’ve sprained my ankle a bunch of times. there is one aspect of work that I really dislike. the train was delayed for over an hour today, I can’t find a therapist. Everything just seems hard. I don’t want to be here, etc. nothing exciting.nothing all that different from what y’all are feeling sometimes. I’m just regurgitating bullshit. No poetic despair today. Goodbye.
is my father’s birthday and I will not wish him a happy one because we don’t get along.
What’s most present on my mind is my relationship with my partner who is chronically late and not great about communicating about it. This past week she was late three times in a row. Only a few minutes late to the movies but then forgot I was picking her up from work and lied about what time she’d be home, she got there 1.5 hours later and then lied again on Sunday about what time she’d leave work and called me 1.5 hours after she should have left to let me know that she was just leaving then. Every time she is late to hang out with me I feel disrespected and not valued. I’ve told her this and talked to her about how important time things are to me but I feel like she hasn’t been on time at all over the last few weeks. I don’t know that I can take this anymore. We’ve been through a lot these last two years but a big part of me is fed up and just wants to end it, well our relationship. Wanting to die is a constant that I fight and I don’t think this break up would push me over the edge. I had so many plans in my head, I wanted to grow old together with her and raise a family but if she lets me down around time things I can see her letting a kid down too and forgetting to go pick them up or picking them up hours late or just me and a kid spending most of the time by ourselves because she is too busy. It all really hurts.
My best friend just left the country today and another friend that I was really close to is hard to talk to, she barely ever wants to hang out and doesn’t even give me excuses why she can’t hang out.
I’m starting to feel lots of different ways, like I’m sinking but I know I can make it through this. I’ve gotta keep fighting.
….that I want to die. right now I am feeling somewhat numb, trying to stay afloat and just understand what everyone needs from me. I’ve been trying to work on having a future. Trying to live life and make the best of it all. It just isn’t quite working out. I have to depend on other people and they let me down. I can’t just do everything myself because otherwise i would. I keep thinking it’d be easier to be dead to be gone but part of me knows that’s just the sadness that grows inside me that keeps telling me this and I’m trying not to cry and give up and this struggle is so much. I don’t know what I expect from y’all. I don’t know anything really. I’m not sure if I’m worth all of this energy I keep putting into not dying. I don’t know if the ways that I help those around me really matters or if there is anything I should be doing differently. I don’t know what I want out of life and if it’s something that I can actually get. Everything feels so narrow and it’s just getting more narrow.
But I don’t want to live either. I’m stuck somewhere between in limbo, trying to escape every moment that I can and hoping that everything will rush away from me so I can finally be alone. I hope I die today. And today isn’t much different than most days. I rode my bike to the beach yesterday, it was nice. I wasn’t as tired as I thought I’d be so I guess I’m in better shape than I thought. I’ve been trying to work out and whatnot. I’ve been trying to be good to myself. But I can’t seem to shake this feeling. And I tell myself time changes all things including feelings but I also know that I keep coming back to it and that death is like punctuation in my mind.
I try to relax and remember that things will soon be different. I’m doing things, so many things. I am making changes. I am getting ahead. I always feel so close to being happy. I change my life when things become unbearable. I really am a Sagittarius. But everything is a mess. My love, my friendships, my work. It’s all one big knot in my throat and I am choking. More like gagging because I’m just dying slowly with a lot of discomfort. But I should be comfortable because I am so lucky and I can do all of the things that I want to do. I really can.
I want to scribble down please kill me. please kill me. please kill me. I’m just not sure of anything. I need to continue to struggle.
I feel like everything is imploding and I’m so stressed but I just want it all to stop and it’s not going to. I am trying to live but it’s hard. I am trying to do something for me but the bank is making it super hard and all of this feels impossible. I just want to die but only like 10%. most of me knows this feeling will pass and return and pass and return. It’s wearing me down but I continue marching forward because that Is what I’m supposed to do, because there are some good times in life. because as long as i can hold on to those I can move forward. I really wish things would end so i didn’t have to struggle anymore but know that’s not reason enough for it. I’m very lucky to have all of the things I have in my life and I will be ok. Everything has to be ok. I just need to keep going.
I keep coming back to this place inside. This places that tells me that I’m not enough. That no matter what I do the world will always be bad and I sink into despair. I just want to be alright and not think that death is a viable alternative. That inevitably one day I will kill myself. That no mater what I do suicidality will always be a part of my heart. Maybe it’s the intoxicants I use. I hear it’s a downer but in the moment it feels ok. Maybe it’s just them speaking, sinking me down deep, dragging me down. Maybe I need to work harder. But I work so hard and I just want to be ok. Why is it so much work to just not kill yourself? I wish I could put this energy towards something beautiful but I’m working so hard not to destroy my every being. I don’t have enough in me to keep resisting. I need to. I just want to sit at home and not do a thing. Because community is important but I’m not gonna make it. I know I won’t I’ve made it so far and I’m just ready to let it all go to hell. Maybe I want to use more intoxicants that make me sad so that I can finally take my life. I just hope that it can all be over soon. That the apocalypse takes away my right to choose, takes away my decision. I need to breathe, breath and hide.
I just started a new job and I feel like i’m struggling to get on my feet. I’m struggling to find a new therapist and psychiatrist that accepts my new insurance. I’m struggling to just breathe. I just broke up with someone and while it doesn’t feel like the end of the world it still feels awful. I’m feeling all sorts of ways. I feel sad that I feel useless. I feel upset and frustrated that I can’t end violence against trans people or against people of color. I know it’s not all my fault but I’ll stay sad till we’re all safe.
I’m alone. If this website has taught me anything, it’s that I’m not alone. That pain, guilt, shame, anger and sorrow echo deep inside many of us at every moment of the day. That any moment can be our last or can be our turning point. I will keep struggling today because I know things always change. Often they change back and I’m left desiring the epic release of death but at least for a moment I know I might not feel that way. I’m not sure i’d say that moment is worth it but I have nothing else to look forward to.
I wish you all peace and love today. May you find the strength to drag through, over and around.
yet i still didn’t want to get out of bed. I’m pretty impressed i managed to one step at a time. taking of my clothes from yesterday one article at a time. convinced myself to throw on some nice smelling spray deodorant and put on fresh clothes. I shoulda stayed in bed though.
Today I feel worthless. like a waste. I resigned form my job because I got another job offer at another place. I feel kinda awful, like I’m abandoning them. Like this new job won’t work out. Like I’ll be a failure and lose everything. I know this is what life is like but it seems hard. I want to continue doing community work but i fear I’ll be too sad to keep going. I fear I’ll be too sad to even make it to my next job. I’m trying and putting one foot forward, trying to set life goals that seem reasonable and then accomplishing them but it all seems kinda meaningless.
I’ll probably keep living but I won’t like it. I’ve failed too many times at trying to die. and the people it would hurt I can’t bear to think of making them sad.
pushing through the days somehow ignoring that nasty voice in the back of my head(sometimes at the forefront) that says I should die, that death would be easier, that death is sweet, that I should cry until I die. I’ve gone to the doctor lately who tells me she’s concerned about my weight gain and my liver. I googled diets that could help my liver and maybe i won’t drink as much anymore but im so sad and there is so much liquor in my fridge/freezer.
I’m at work pushing back the tears because they won’t help. I bumped into a friend from college and another person I know this morning and I thought about how weird they’d feel if I committed suicide this week. They’d think back and say “yea, they seemed sad” maybe they’d think “I wish I’d said something to help or that I’d followed up with them.” It’s a sad thought. It makes me want to die but at the same time it makes me want to stay alive so they don’t feel awful.
One of my boos is in cali this week. She would feel awful if I died. She would be a bit broken for a while. I don’t know how my other boo would feel since she is distant. I imagine she’d be sad. I guess maybe I hope so. I can’t die for them and my family and my friends and the LGBTQ community. I have so much work to do. I have to help alleviate poverty and discrimination. I have to help. But I really just want to cry and eat delicious greasy foods, hence liver and weight concerns. But also I’m just a bigger person. God I hope I die soon.
I was thinking about how I asked god to kill me slowly and painfully when I was a younger suicidal person. I didn’t think at the time that I was just asking to live life. It’s the slowest and most painful death cuz you get the chance to recover and stop being numb so that the pain can be renewed.
OKay, rant done. Good luck to you.