So I woke up this morning in tears. It weren’t just a wet face I had, it honestly felt like my soul was being torn from me. I guess the pain built up on itself. I know I’m the one to blame, though. I can get out of this dark pit, I can make the hope for recovery possible again, but I’m stubborn and I want to see how much worse it can get.
I feel rather hopeless, especially after reading a few posts on here. Everyone has something that troubles them and everyone has a proper reason for their emotional pain and need to escape, yet here I am playing this game with my head. If there was an official list for the amount of people on here going through Hell and back, the most important, I would be straight at the bottom of that list.
It’s shameful enough I would take the time to post my thoughts on here and even expect anyone to be sympathetic. I think this is the problem, I expect something I don’t deserve and should learn how to not crave sympathy and get used to this harsh reality that nobody’s going to be there for me in the end.
I have already isolated myself from my friends 3 months ago and right now I’m too fearful to fix that mess. My parents remind me that someday they’re going to die and I’ll be left with nobody but my own thoughts having never achieved anything.
Looks like this is all a game to me. A game of seeing how badly I can mess my own mind up, for example not taking medication for this depression I have and giving up on my education altogether. I could have been on a Health & Social Care course by now, but it’s clear I’m not in the right frame of mind to be offering anyone support. Yet alone be trusted with vulnerable people seeing as my coping strategies aren’t up to par.
Last night I felt like I was losing the plot. Couldn’t stop feeling twitchy and on edge. Had to keep trying to distract myself from this. For the last 5 nights in a row I’ve struggled with this sudden urge… no, desperation to kill myself right there and then. Most times when I threaten myself with suicide its to my own accord, but these times I didn’t have any thought about it I just felt desperate.
(Un)lucky for me I managed to pull myself out of this hazardous mind-set because why would I be typing this post right now..
I used to look at my sister’s life and be grateful I weren’t going to end up like her, in fact she used to tell me to be “grateful I weren’t going to end up like her”. Turns out in the end I’m going to turn out worse than her as; I’ll still be living with my parents, I would have never earned money of my own because not even McDonalds wanted to hire me (true story), I’ll have no qualifications (bullying lead to dropped out of school due to mental health issues as a result of that), would still be single (I haven’t had a proper relationship before), would be way past my twenties, have no hopes or dreams or anything to hold onto since I’d be too far gone at this stage… I can even imagine once my parents do pass-over things wouldn’t have changed. I’d still be the same. I’ll probably go homeless or put myself in inpatient.
Sorry that you read this.
12 comments
you are not alone
Maybe there are other people dealing with similar, but once I shut off whatever device I’m on and reconnect with the real world then I truthfully am alone. Then again, I should be fortunate to still have a family… some people never had anyone to call “family”…
I know how that feels…..even I feel the same…my parents told me I was just imagining problems when there are none….Maybe I am,maybe I am not…still it does pain,and doesn’t that count?
and hey the people in these whatever sites are from real world too..so definitely your not alone
I’m sorry you know how bad this feels because then that means you’ve had to go through something similar to reach that understanding.
Parents don’t quite get it. They think they’re providing you with “tough love” but instead of helping it just leaves you with more reasons to be feeling bad about yourself.
My parents personally just “want to see me happy” but even then I’m recieving compliments such as “you’re arrogant. You’re selfish. You just want to drag others down with you”. I then get worried that they might be right about me wanting to make others miserable for my own amusement and this depression is only a cover-up for what I’m truthfully doing.
Sorry, I’m moving off subject a bit.
I guess you’re right when you say other people online are real too. I can’t just talk to a random face as if they don’t have lives as well. Sites like these make it easier to find someone who can relate. Trying to find people who aren’t afraid to talk about their thoughts and emotions is difficult in person. At least online we needn’t fear being shut down and judged for being depressed.
I think right now all I crave for most is some like-minded people who I can call “a friend” and spend my time with instead of sitting in my room all day either watching the world go by or hiding under the covers where it’s cosy and safe.
The bit you said about feeling pain is right. People can keep telling you its imaginary all they like. It doesn’t stop it from being real, right?
Hell I would still kill myself even if I had 100,000$ in the bank account and I didn’t live at my parents. (aalthough god knows I hate the wildebeasts) Even
If I accomplished my dream of being a surgeon with a phD, I’d still kill myself because it’s better that way. Life isn’t worth living.
Being a surgeon would be a great accomplishment. How long have you had this dream of yours for? I know it’s probably something you might not want to go into.
Sorry your life isn’t going to plan. Sometimes suicide just seems like the only solution. If we can be born unto this Earth without a second thought we can remove ourselves just as easily.
Having 100,000$ would be effin’ brilliant right about now.
Yeah, a great accomplishment. Around 13-14 years. I’d be halfway there but I pushed that dream aside to make way for my real dream to end my life which is larger and more rewarding for myself
They say suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem but what if the problem isn’t temporary? I know how you are feeling when you see people going through way worse stuff and feel like you don’t deserve to feel this way when they are still alive and going.
Not sure either how a life time of pain can be considered temporary.
I wonder what race/ethnicity/religious following preaches and believes that phrase.
I have wondered about that one too. I know it is attributed to Phil Donahue, the TV talk show host of 29 years. The phrase makes perfect sense to those who see their problems as temporary problems. It does not apply to anyone on here that I know of.
Solutions might or might not be found for some of our issues. Problems that can take years to resolve, or at least start to get relief from, are hardly temporary.
I’m sorry to read about your pain. You’re absolutely right, perspective/reaction often stems from reasons which are all products of our experience, not merely a response to particular stimuli. So, in a sense, if behaviour is intrinsically linked to environment attribution of blame becomes a moot point. Which renders aggression towards Self, fundamentally a form of self punishment, as completely undeserved; essentially undermining what we seek to achieve for no discernible purpose.
But yeah, I do get it, depression only furthers our bias…
Be kind to yourself, you’re insightful and articulate, you possess the building blocks to achieve what you desire. Sometimes a time frame derived through comparison is meaningless, though, it doesn’t negate the likelihood of a content future.
I’m not sorry I read your post. I wish you well.