All these things I do to try and make myself forget. In attempts to drive it away. The knowledge that I will never be ok, ever again. The inability to accept what I know to be the case. It’s not tolerable. I don’t know how to live with it. How to live with myself, knowing what I do. I just want to stop. To cease to be. I just…can’t.
So drag in anything to take my mind off it. To blur the reality for a little while. Or pretend to myself it’s all ok. But it never lasts. The truth pokes through. And part of me is always seeking it out. The part that knows something’s wrong, and needs to fix it. But there’s no fixing this. No fixing me. The fix is for me to no longer exist. For all that is wrong in me to finally come to an end.
But that’s terrifying. So keep on trying to hide from the truth, and to escape into alternate realities. I am such a waste of life.
2 comments
Even for when she makes you want to forget, she only reminds you of her, but you can’t help but smile.
You perfectly summed up exactly how I am and how I feel. I just want my pathetic waste of life to be over.