I literally have nothing to do now. Dislocated my shoulder in the first game of the season, and hockey is the one thing that takes my mind off everything, the one thing I truly love doing. Now I can’t play for 12 weeks. I also can’t play my instruments, my xbox or go running. The three other hobbies I have. Fuck. This sucks. It’s also half of the $500 I spent for the season. Not that I really care though. I have too much money anyways. I have no need for it. But I’ve got my codeine now and I’m pretty high on it right now. So there’s a plus. It’s a pretty cool feeling, but I can’t take this many too often since the acetominophen in it can fuck your liver, and I need them to last because the pain can get pretty bad.
Before they put it back in it’s socket the nurse gave me an iv but did something wrong and I bled so much. It was a pretty cool experience actually. I couldn’t feel it at all because the shoulder hurt so much, but I looked over and blood was just pouring down my wrist over my hand and onto the floor. It was so dark in the middle where it’s concentrated yet so bright on the edge of the stream. God it’s beautiful when I bleed. I think she noticed the scars on my wrist, but thankfully I stopped cutting there a while ago so they couldn’ve been anything and didn’t raise suspicion.
Anyways, fuck I’m high. I wish I could feel like this more often. I can think of the things that make me sad, but it just doesn’t really hit me. It’s nice. Not nearly as good as mushrooms, but certainly better than weed or alcohol. I know that makes it sound like I’m some junkie drug addict, but I’m not. Just in case someone I know reads this, there’s no need to worry about that, although you probably wouldn’t anyways.
God I wish I could skip these three months. I just want to play again. I need the release. Badly. I need to be able to do more than watch tv by myself all day. It’s fucking pathetic just like me. But I guess bad things happen to bad people, so I shouldn’t be so upset since I probably deserve all of this.
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15 comments
You’re not a bad person. Bad things happen to everyone don’t be retarded.
Also don’t be a junkie, that’s bad news. Weed is bad enough, no need to get all into the pain killer scenario. Feeling that way isn’t reality, so don’t get used to it.
If you have too much money, give some to me. I want a new car. 🙂
I left a specific footnote for you to know I’m not a junkie yet you still think so! Haha typical. And I don’t smoke weed that often either. Like I said, I’m not some drug addict now. Hell I’ve never even bought weed before. How much money/what kind of car do you want?
Lots of money. And a pretty one that goes fast (: *vrooooooommm!!*
Hahaha you can still make me laugh. Thanks. I have a question. Do you hate me? Or my attempts to be friends? Or have you really always just been busy, or not seen me walking down the hall past you? I don’t mean to sound angry or hurt, just an honest question. I don’t want to be a bother to you.
bea’s right.. shit’s no good. I miss them opiates like a fixed dog misses his nuts- now I just lay around all docile and shit all day knowing I aint that cool anymore.
I’m serious about the car. I’m poor as fuck.
I don’t hate you. I actually have been legit busy every time that you’ve asked me to hang out.
But also you have to keep in mind, for when you ask me in the future and I don’t have like 8 things to do, how you would feel if your girlfriend saw her ex more than she saw you. Her ex that she was deeply and emotionally attached to for almost 2 years. Probably would not make you feel very good. I have no problems with it, because I trust myself. But I do have a gentlemanfriend that would probably be less than impressed with it, because he barely knows me (partly because I never see him, but partly because we’ve only been dating for a short period of time), and he doesn’t know you at all.
The only time I’ve seen you at school is that one time (friday?) that you actually said hi and I almost crashed into you.
You’re not a bother.
I’m serious about it too. How much money/what kind of car do you want?
And I get that he might not be too pleased. But it’s your life. And if I had a girlfriend I’d see her more than once a month so if she saw her ex once it would certainly not be more than I see her. But no, I wouldn’t be mad at her. I learned my lesson. I really did. I hate the way in which I did, but I had to and was too stubborn to learn it any other way. But I know now trust is important. I know now what trust IS. And if I couldn’t trust someone, I wouldn’t be with them.
Being in a relationship sucks, it’s only worth it for a very special person. That’s what I think, anyways.
Saw you about a week before in the exact same place and you just walked by. Must’ve just not seen me I guess.
@cherries as I said, not addicted. Just took some extras this one time to give it a shot. I’m a bit of a “try everything once” kinda guy. To an extent at least.
Aston Martin 2012 Virage.
Yes it’s my life, but in my life I have to make sacrifices if I want to get anywhere. I’ve sacrificed rationality for clarity, security for fear and independence, etc… Like I would sacrifice my social want for his emotional needs. Even if he wouldn’t do the same, maybe I’m just a tad more considerate.
I learned from you too. I learned how little of a thing can make a guy jealous/insecure. And I learned how mad a jealous guy can get, and I don’t want to be on the receiving end of that again.
Being in a relationship does not suck. It is better than being alone. Because at least there is hope that one day you won’t feel like you’re good enough for anybody.
Except I should not be viewed as a representative sample. It was my first relationship with a girl (romantic or otherwise), the first time I’d ever felt like someone loved me for me completely. The first part made me inexperienced, I didn’t understand the dynamic. It sounds horrible but it’s like I didn’t realize you were an individual. I got too caught up and wanted everything to be us. Never you and me. And that was stupid and I feel bad about it to this day. The second part meant I thought you’d love me no matter what. It gave me a sense of invincibility and I took advantage of that. I didn’t mean to but I did, and there’s no excuse or apology that will ever make it okay. If a guy acts the way I did he doesn’t deserve s girl like you.
I don’t think it’s better. You can’t know who you really are if you’re always in a relationship. Christian’s like that. Never been single more than 2 months in like 4 years. And you can tell. I was like that. I’m so much better now. About two months after we broke up Derek went away for a month and when he came back he said I had transformed into this awesome guy. And I loved hearing that. I just learned who I am when I was without you. I accepted myself more I guess. I’m not saying I regret being with you. I’m just glad that I’ve had this time to find myself and grow as a person and I want to continue that. It sucks sometimes because I’m lonely as hell, but I know it’s for the best. I’ll just hope the right person comes along eventually.
And if that’s your car request you’re not actually serious. You know I don’t have that much money.
See I knew you’d be better off without me. You didn’t get it at the time, but I talked to my friend at the time (now my boyfriend) who told me his story and it was exactly like ours. He got so attached to a girl like you did to me. Focused on every detail being about the group rather than the combination of two individuals. Jealous every time she even talked to another guy. Insecure that she was looking around for better options. Always wanted constant contact/updates to make sure she was always thinking of him and him only. And he said he learned more about himself after that break-up than he’d accumulated in his whole life. As much as it was one of the most devastating events in his life at the time, it allowed him to go places he’d never even knew existed before.
I knew you needed it as much as I did (if not more), but for different reasons obviously. I know who I am. I don’t know who I’m going to be, because I’m always changing, but I know what I want right now and I’m getting it. Good enough for me.
K I have a more reasonable car request
Audi R8 GT
I didn’t say I’m better off without you. I don’t want to hear about your now boyfriend convincing you to break up with me. Just because I say I’ve learned and grown and whatnot doesn’t mean I don’t hurt. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t give anything to go back and be the person you deserve. I loved you. You broke my heart. You were my best friend and I lost that too. My life has been on a downward trajectory for a long time now and I’m laying here with enough pills on my table to kill me. You decided to break up with me, and that’s your choice. I don’t have a grudge or anger towered you. As I’ve said, I’d really love to have that friendship we had. But that doesn’t mean breaking up was good for me too. It’s not your problem, like I said, it was your choice. But please don’t try to justify it as what I wanted as well.
R8, nice. I love those cars. But I thought you said you were serious. You know I can’t afford that. Try something under 20k maybe