I am going to attempt to execute my plan for the third time in as many months. The last two times I chickened out in one form or another. I had excuses for why things went wrong each time, but fundamentally I Just wasn’t committed enough.
I thought at first that maybe that meant I didn’t really want to die. So I tried to improve my life. I went on job interviews but never heard anything back. I tried to rebuild a friendship but only confirmed that it was never as strong as I thought it was in the first place. I can’t even grieve the loss of a best friend because she was never my best friend to begin with. I made it all up in my head…you can’t grieve the loss of something you never had.
No one wants me. Not professionally. Not personally. I am nothing and no one.
So I have decided that those last two cop outs were really just “dress rehearsals”. This time I know exactly how things will look and feel and I can prepare for it mentally. I picked a method that requires a huge amount of courage to execute in the moment but which has a very high lethality. (Please do not ask what the method is–the site rules prohibit disclosing methods and I don’t want to be responsible for putting ideas in anyone else’s head).
Quite a few years ago I made two attempts using methods that were easier to execute but with lower lethalities, so this is, in two respects, the “third” try. (Third time trying this new method, and, if I make it to the “trying” stage this time, the third attempt overall.)
I am praying for the strength to get through that one moment of terror, in order to reach eternal peace. I cannot believe, after everything I have been through, that this is how it is going to end. But it has to. This is the only way out of the intolerable abomination that is my life.
I’m not asking for sympathy. I created the mess. I blew every opportunity that came my way, and now the opportunities have stopped coming. The damage is irreparable and I need out. I just hope I will succeed in getting out. Please, please let this be lucky number 3, because I can’t do this anymore.
11 comments
I don’t really believe there is such a thing as a ‘best friend.’ At most, they’re good friends but ultimately people’s motives are always self-serving. If they’re friends with you it is because you bring them certain benefits and vice versa. Most of the time people use each other to get what they want.
I was close with one person and I thought we’d be friends no matter what but we drifted over time. I think the key is to not put all your eggs in one basket, meaning make a lot of friends because over time you will lose most of them. Whoever is leftover is a true friend and try to hold on to them-but still keep the door open for new people because you never know when a relationship can end.
As for jobs, you just have to keep trying and not take it personally. Just remember that they want you to fit into their organization-so you have to play their games. However, if you don’t want to struggle anymore I can understand that.
We didn’t choose this life and if the deck is always stacked against you and you’re just fed up with it all, then I don’t blame you. It’s the same for most of us here.
What is your country of origin if you don’t mind me asking?
Canada
Oh. What does your name mean? Morte means death, right?
yes, “morte” means death. La dolce morte means “sweet death” in Italian. kind of a play on words because there is a common Italian expression “il dolce far niente”, which , loosely translated means “the sweet act of doing nothing” or maybe “doing sweet nothing” or “doing sweet f**** all”…
Releassseeee meeeee!
Sweet death is preferable
Good luck.. I hope you find peace
Lifelong Loser, Wow, that’s more loathe-some than buzzedloser. I should’ve thought of that.
I’m in exactly the same situation, nothing and a nobody.
I still dont think this is something you created for yourself. It hasn’t all been on you.
And there is nothing wrong with grieving for what you thought you had, even though she didn’t have the same investment.