What is it?
What is it about me that makes me lesser than?
What is it about me that makes it so that I can’t be as good as her?
What is it about me that makes me think of what she would have done, how she would have done better had she been in my situation?
What is it about me that makes me incapable of being her?
I should be happy. I have everything. Everything I wanted. Everything she doesn’t have.
Almost everything.
She has the grades. The natural talent. The recognition that she is in fact the best.
The recognition that I am, in fact, in second place.
And second place doesn’t get anything, my father reminds me.
Second place is unheard of, under appreciated, cleaning dishes in a nearby restaurant until her late 50s.
And she’s always so close, yet so out of reach.
I look back and see the millions of things I could have done to beat her.
To BE her.
There’s always a list.
And then my heart clenches when I get a grade below 95%.
Because I know she got better.
And then my brain fogs and my tears get heavier. And my life is worth nothing
but I can’t die because I have everything.
Almost everything.
2 comments
Have you ever seen the butterfly effect? Reminds me of when Ashton Kutcher’s girlfriend is wattress.
My life usually reminds me of when the fat kid is trapped in a white room in a restraining jacket because they accidentally killed a woman with a firework.
being second means that you’re still better than the other 98%.
what would the last think ? if the worst man hasn’t given up yet, how can you?
if you compare yourself to others, then life will be a never ending cycle for you. there are dreams and goals you can chase and reach, but comparing yourself to others, wanting to be the best is a goal you’ll chase forever and never reach.