What is it?

  July 30th, 2018 by ariusversea

What is it?

What is it about me that makes me lesser than?

What is it about me that makes it so that I can’t be as good as her?

What is it about me that makes me think of what she would have done, how she would have done better had she been in my situation?

What is it about me that makes me incapable of being her?

I should be happy. I have everything. Everything I wanted. Everything she doesn’t have.

Almost everything.

She has the grades. The natural talent. The recognition that she is in fact the best.

The recognition that I am, in fact, in second place.

And second place doesn’t get anything, my father reminds me.

Second place is unheard of, under appreciated, cleaning dishes in a nearby restaurant until her late 50s.

And she’s always so close, yet so out of reach.

I look back and see the millions of things I could have done to beat her.

To BE her.

There’s always a list.

And then my heart clenches when I get a grade below 95%.

Because I know she got better.

And then my brain fogs and my tears get heavier. And my life is worth nothing

but I can’t die because I have everything.

Almost everything.

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