Pain & Darkness

wishing you could be different or a better person can be different for everyone. For me, all I want is to not be depressed. I want the terrible thoughts and the dark emotional clouds to go away. I sit and wish every moment I was gone. I wish that I could feel okay, like I was cared for. I hate that I feel I should rely on others but when others come to take all of my love away and can’t give any of it back… It stings, just a little. The emotional pain that sits and stirs around in my heart.. Some of it is never going to go away, some should get better with time, or so that is the lie I tell myself everyday. “some of the pain will go away with time, although the some of the scars are permanent not all of them will stay forever.”

I was wrong. I was very very wrong. When I love someone, when I care for someone, I care, I love, with all of my heart. Perhaps I just put too much of my love in someones hands. When it dies, when is abused and smashed to a thousand pieces, that is when the wounds become those years of scaring.

I wish I could turn around and hug the person in this room who says they love me, who says they care, who says they want me to tell them my pain. What they say is manipulative, it is fake. They abuse and manipulate my heart. All I want is the biggest hug and for them to take the tears I have and make them stop. But yet it will never happen, because all I am is a waste of space.

I sound pathetic and stupid. But this was someone I used to talk to, someone I used to tell things, the person I talked out of ending it. The person who did the same for me. The person who would be supportive when I self harmed not abused me when I did.

I thought about reaching out to an ex, someone who knew me so well. Someone who I would consider a friend. They pushed me away a long time ago when I did it to them I wish I could tell them about the pain and the hurt. I wish I could be there for them. They are an ex for a reason but I still love them.

I wish I wasn’t trapped in all of the verbal abuse, the manipulation. I wish I could be free. I want to travel, go be alone. I would rather be physically alone than mentally alone. It is too dark and cold inside my head for me to bare for much longer.

I need a break, I need to get out. If getting the terrible words, thoughts and feelings to stop depends on me getting out. I will have to soon before the terrible words, thoughts and feelings get me to end it. I will fade away faster than the blink of an eye. I will be gone like the wind blowing dust far far away. My world is slowly turning to complete darkness and silence and I am terrified.