I don’t really like opening up about myself . My life feels like a big embarrassment and I’ve always worn a mask so I really hope none of my homies in real life see this (or anything else I post on here really) . I’m a 22 y/o dude though , had a pretty rough childhood , heavily disciplined parents who I’ve never really let into my life (i’ll get into that later) . I always attracted the type who liked to pick on me , I was a pretty stupid kid so it makes sense . In grade 7 I told teachers and classmates that I was a spy and that there were people after me and that I had been on top secret missions , real stupid shit like that just to get attention . Which I got through beatings , stalking , constant ridicule, isolation , etc.. I really never understood why I did that and it actually still plagues me to this day . In retrospect I’m quite surprised the school staff never reacted seriously , I really don’t understand . I never have been good looking at at all , pushing 150 by the time I was 13 (max I’ve ever weighed 315lbs ugh) , so my appearances have always also weighed on my mind (HAHA I JUST NOTICED THE PUN THERE) . I have pretty terrible social skills and I never react very well in communication situations . I went to a different high school than anyone I knew was going to and I built a few relationships there ( none that I really carry with me now because I am uninteresting and tried to date all the other people) . I managed to get myself into a 2 year long abusive relationship with a true dime piece (not joking) which to this day haunts me . I still have dreams where my exgf comes out of no where and starts beating the shit out of me like she did 3 times , calling me shit like “small dick autistic fuck” “I really hope you jump in front of a bus one day soon so I can fuck whoever I want and not feel sorry for you” “slit your wrists before I do it for you” blahblahblahfuckingbitch . Sex was dope tho . We would fuck any chance we got . She was addicted to sex and I was totally ok with that , however realized later on that whenever she would break up with me (Every second day) she would go fuck around with other dudes . After a year she confessed that she would do that and I didn’t care I just really wanted to make things work because I really thought I loved her with everything I had and seriously planned on spending the rest of my life with her (SPOILER: DIDN’T HAPPEN) . Then started the suicidal thoughts and started cutting , mostly for attention , which only gave her more fuel for her ridicule plane . 2 years of high school bullshit , beatings , crying everyday later , on her grad day , she texted me saying she was done and ever since I haven’t been able to reach her . Still try and nada . So here I am 5 years later , panic attacks , voices in my nightmares telling me to kill myself , avoiding doctors and Councillors , its like the environment around me and everything going on in this world is like a plane cruising on empty about to drop out of the sky . I cant understand my feelings but getting so lost in their volume . Work full time , which is more than enough time to think about how bad I want to die . I really don’t like anything about myself . I can’t pursue anything because I fail at everything I’ve ever done .. For instance writing this post that people probably wont be able to follow very well because the structure of it is terrible but I just really felt like sharing a couple things that have got me feeling the way I feel right now
5 comments
I understand your post. I’m sorry she treated you that way. That’s not right. And even if you do love someone if they are treating you like that its better to let them go. You’d only get hurt more if you didn’t.
Yeah . I wish I could have gotten some sort of closure because I feel like I’m always looking for it somewhere
I know how hard it can be to let go π especially with no closure. Because even when you know it’s impossible, your brain keeps whispering “what if?”
Itβs really tough, I meet shitty people all my life too. π
What she did to you was awful. I understand that you want closure, but I guarantee you that it wont make you feel any better. For a while, maybe 2 years i wished for closure. I have another boyfriend and I’m definitely better off without my ex, he was physically and mentally abusive. And now I see the dude almost once a month at my job now. I just get angry, disgusted, or have a panic attack. In certain situations its better to just let go completely.