(Context: I’m an 18-year-old girl, so I’m legally an adult, and am in my last year at school, next year I’m not going to university but am unsure about my plans).
I’ve been feeling really down lately, like to the point where I’ve been considering suicide. I feel so stupid all the time like I’m a lost cause that’s always going to be useless and there’s no way to fix it.
Home has been really hard at the moment, or for a while actually. My parents are constantly angry at me and giving me lectures, I never really know how to handle it, I just don’t like being at home, however I do not have a job and cannot support myself, I have money saved which I have to use to by food and get places I’m running out and have no income, I’m currently looking for a job but right now it’s just so hard and I don’t know if I can keep going for much longer.
School also makes me feel miserable, I’m getting anxiety in every single class and struggle not to leave or ditch, I don’t understand how people concentrate in class either, I don’t get any work done, I get distracted too easily – usually because I zone out and start daydreaming. School is now so overwhelming and I feel like I’m just a failure and I will be counting on everyone else my entire life which I feel so guilty about.
On top of everything I just so feel indecisive all the time, I don’t know how to make myself feel better and holding a negative attitude so I don’t know what to do with myself, I feel fully drained and have no energy of interest in anything, yet I want to do something.
Right now the only thing that’s making me happy is my friend group, I really count on them for something to live for and getting me through the day but I don’t want to count on this. My friend group is a lot like me in terms of mental illness so they can relate but that also means I don’t want to dump my own problems on them and don’t want to put more pressure on them knowing that I genuinely am feeling so sad.
I have started cutting again, on my wrists now which I have avoided for so long but I just don’t know how to deal with this all.
I know there are things I’m good at too, which are to do with art and writing and stuff, I’m still very passionate about all those, but right now they can’t solve these problems and I don’t know what to do.
There are also the other thoughts, like low self-esteem, loneliness (like wanting a girlfriend loneliness), getting frustrated, guilt, and impulsive decisions, then regret. I also hate saying such negative and depressing things around people too much which I feel so guilty about.
5 comments
I know what you mean at the end there. They say they want to help but you know if you dump all your problems on them how much it will weigh on them. You know it will stress them out and exhaust them. You just care too much about them to let them do that for you. I feel u. Honestly I wish I could give some advice but when problems overwhelm me and depression crushes me I also get urges. I guess the only thing that really stops me is that it would stress out my friends if they found out and also just the shame. I guess you could tell them you are cutting so that they know and now you are kinda forced to stop or else indirectly dump more on them when they notice there are more cuts / inquire and find out. However this doesn’t really fix anything it just sorta bottles all of it up and it makes you feel like you’re going to explode not being able to get it out which is what I’m doing, so idk pick your poison. If you feel like a failure realize that you should stop living for other people and live for you. Do what you want to do and don’t just do what others expect of you, because you can do whatever you want and who cares about their opinions? So what someone thinks your’e a failure? They can think what they want. What’s the real definition of “success” anyways? I hope this helped a bit and made you feel a little less alone
I’m not gonna lie. It took me awhile to realize what exactly I wanted to do after high school. I am now 21 years old. It wasnt till this year that i finally realized what i wanted to do exactly. I recommend taking a gap year or perhaps a couple gap years between high school and college. During this time it’s good to try new things and do lots of soul searching. Start thinking about what you may be interested in doing. Doesn’t have to be “important”. Maybe you try out playing an instrument, maybe you try out bowling, maybe you try out hiking, maybe you try out community services. Also don’t feel so bad if school doesn’t feel right. There are other jobs out there that provide free training for people in your age group. I’d look into apprenticeships or internships. Oh and the social anxiety that makes you feel uneasy….don’t worry too much about it. I started out just like you but i challenged my SA by applying for a cashier position. First day was kinda nervewracking but it wasn’t too bad. 3 years later and I rarely struggle with it thanks to all the growing I’ve done and i haven’t even been to college yet. Not everything is learned from school. There is lots to be learned outside of school too especially sense now you’re the one calling the shots with no visible map. Be excited about this, it can get pretty crazy when you first start off and so we’re kinda like the main characters shown in all these movies nowadays only we’re the real deal so take pride in knowing your in this struggle. Be the captain of your own ship and take other peoples advice with a grain of salt.
Yeah it sounds really rough for you and it’s a bad place out there. Wackjobs around every corner. I was suicidal my last year in high school, and all the years that came before. I hoped to end my life July 28 -August 1, 2012. I had desired to commit and made it my number one priority as probably a sixth grader…. when I realized…. life will always be this terrible…. I turned 18 on July 28, 2012 and I had been urged for some time to commit. I thought it would be easy to purchase a gun at a legal age of 18…. I had to move it over to the dealer and sign off, pop in the car, drive off, tell the folks their vehicle was located at so and so, and pop the bullet through my brain stem. It was not so easy to do. Let alone, I could not gather the money to even afford with such a high price at just 18. I sold all of my belongings, but I began to feel terror, fear, and dread at the idea of going into the stores. “What if the clerk knows I am suicidal… What if he makes assumptions? What will happen?? Will he phone the police and turn me in BEFORE I get the chance. Will he restrict me a purchase because of the way I look… because I’m not a white male 6’3″ and slender and professional….” I thought they wouldn’t get wrapped up in it and leave it be, sell the items as their jobs intended. I asked about the weapons at the pawn store. I didn’t want them to look down upon me.. I didn’t want them to make assumptions… the cheapest they had was 250$ and I counted my change to be 170$….I had no other way to get money and was left shell-shocked. I began to feel dread at everything that could stand in the way between me and my goal. I began to think there must be another way? But, how? Why would they stand between me and my baby? Why could I not just get this one thing?? Why do they care about strangers so much to begin to dive into them and make assumptions or abstractions? Is it not an invasion of my privacy?
To believe they’d rather me live a life of misery and dread then allow me to set myself free….. I could not understand their reasoning…. how is my life something they force to keep as if it is their own?
Nowadays, I am 24. I would end my life at any chance provided. If you handed me a pistol, I would put it in a backpack, walk to the empty Outlands. (Would prefer to drive though.) Make sure no one would travel that road in the future, sit down and shoot my head off. 1) because I don’t want anyone to find my body. 2) I am non-existant and not meant to Follow protocols. And as long as no one knows, no one can harm you, none unwanted beings can touch your lifeless being, and let alone I dont want folks to look at me or know I am alive, I would not want them to see me dead. awe and rapture to be alive today. It is gravely an unwanted life and I have no chance at any improvement ever…
When the idea of being forced into things… forced to remain a sentient being…. and all the random bullshit people are on/off about ….. scared of being looked down upon and scared to breathe each day… I would distract myself and my mantra became “don’t worry because it will all be over soon. Obviously none of this matters and it never has. Your time is approaching. Keep distracting and wasting time because all life is is a waste anyhow. You can’t end it at this moment but just distract yourself and waste your time until the moment comes.”
I come here and people tell me I’m a load of sh*t, I’m being bad by telling my story and how I’m a bad person because I am NOT willing to change my mind.. I wait for the day I can end it freely…. without becoming a subject to turn over to the police for a shit and a giggle. It’s good because I don’t know them, they don’t know me, all they have is my words and my words are not theirs, no matter if they choose to copy and paste them into any form.
Not a happy story, but is my story. I was your age once. When I most vividly remember, sealing the deal, I would die young and it would be a suicide.
In my opinion, it is your parents job to feed you while you go through college and make sure you get into college and pay your tuition. If they do not, they are no good parents who failed at planning and set you up for what should I call it? A hard knock life. Your main priority should be to study and get a bachelors degree, but should have a part-time job to put money into savings. Then you should get work with your bachelors and pay for more schooling yourself and get a doctorate. But I am none to give advice, suicides don’t go to college!
Then you will be making good money and have a life alright by the books.