Dear Family,
Yeah, I am rather aggravated that you guys are getting on so well without me. Yeah, I’m pretty angry that all these years, all it took for you guys to be happy was me leaving the house. It sucks to be the apparent problem. It sucks when everyone around you knows it, and no one tells you. It sucks to be this much of a pathetic asshole that I’m getting upset at you for not telling me, your incredibly violent daughter, that you would be better off if I left. I know why you did it, though. Don’t misunderstand me; I know full well why you never told me that I was the problem. It just sucks that I am not only as bad as I thought; I am so much worse. It just really sucks to be this terrible because I honestly don’t understand just how bad I really am, so I can’t properly fix it. I am so much worse than I thought. Where do I go from here? Is it going to be a burden to you if I come back at Christmastime? Who am I kidding; of course it will be. And you won’t ever tell anyone and get yourselves some help. That’s the worst part; this entire time I’ve been fussing over myself like the selfish little fuck that I am when you are the ones who have been suffering and you are the ones who need the help from all of the terrible things I inflicted upon your family.
What you did was never really abuse, then. It was the only possible reaction to my own aggravated violence that I brought onto my family, and I was the last person who should’ve been complaining. Why didn’t you help yourselves and throw me out? You were always far too kind to me anyway. You always tried your best to nurture me, even when I didn’t deserve it. That’s why you started ignoring me. You had no choice but to ignore me; you couldn’t take any more of me, but you felt some sort of parental obligation to put up with me, and the only way that was possible was if you completely ignored me. How rude of me for lacking understanding. How can I pride myself on having a great understanding of others when I can’t even be bothered to understand those who are closest to me? That’s pure wickedness on my part. I truly am a “devil child”, aren’t I? I believe those were your words. I resented you for chastising me when I should’ve loved you for trying to make me better. I truly am evil.
I wish that, for your sakes, you had thrown me out, but I suppose it makes it all of my bad actions and misdeeds by you even more poignant now, doesn’t it? You were just trying to do what was best for me, and I couldn’t even find it in me to thank you for that. It is not you who should be asking for forgiveness, but I. And I don’t even think I can ask for it at this point. I do not deserve your forgiveness, and judging by your past kindness, you probably won’t hesitate to forgive me. I can’t let you do that. I am evil and it is necessary that I am condemned. So, all I can do is apologize for my disgraceful behavior and leave you all alone permanently, so as not to cause any further damage to any of you. You never did anything but love me, and I not only took advantage of that kindness, but I ruined that kindness, and for that I am terribly sorry. Once again, I do not seek your forgiveness. It would be wrong of me to ask for something so far out of what I merit. Perhaps someday I will be a better person and I can come back to ask for proper forgiveness from you. Until then, it is only right of me to leave you all alone to continue in your happiness. I love you all dearly, and I hope that you can learn to refuse me that feeling in return.
2 comments
I think I get what you’re saying but it might just be an interpretation. I had an abusive homelife, I remember going back and they’d painted my room up and put my sister in there. They made it seem like their life had suddenly been lifted but I knew I had seen truths already that wouldn’t leave my mind. I was and am so angry about it all so It was all too late to mend anything but sure enough, a few years passed and my sister had been hurt too. People always paint themselves picture perfect and immaculate, telling themselves they are good people and creating an aesthetic to support that but it is the abused that feel broken and in disbelief. Left with an uncertainty of what they had endured. Don’t let them fool you if you were abused. Think of it like social media, it’s a lie… like a mask covering the face beneath.
That’s a little inane, why do you worry so much? Both sides are even. Neither is in the right, but neither is in the wrong so why marble aboot so significantly on an insignificant matter? Find real intelligence and change your view. No man is an island. Continue being the devil that you are perceived as, or don’t. Just from reading it, it sounds like you have a religious family who want to scold you for upsetting them. Either way, your disordance lies in the line of ‘beliefs’