If anyone is interested in chatting with me, send me a message or something.
Comedy @ tutanota. co m
^that there is an address for the internet mail. It’s like real mail, but on the internet.
I have kept the majority of my posts on this website as a sort of legacy for my family. I post using this account to basically chronicle my struggles as time passes in my life, and in the back of my mind i guess I am writing primarily for an audience that is my family, so that perhaps they will be able to extract some idea of the condition of my mind after I’m gone. I haven’t posted here in a while, I mostly haven’t been in despair for that time I guess. That being said, suicide never really evaded my thoughts, in fact I’ve had my issues since I last posted. I just don’t really feel like this helps anymore. I don’t know that my family would ever take the time to read what I’ve posted here. They think they have a proper picture of me, and it makes me pretty upset. There isn’t enough time in the world to change their opinion of me, but for some reason I always thought this would be the venue for such a thing.
It seems like every time I do get here, each time I am in the condition where I start making end of life plans. I think that I’m too far gone at that point to properly put down the reasons I’m feeling so terrificly awful. There have got to be at least 10 things swirling around in my mind currently that are utterly too complex to be written down which begs the question “Is there any point to posting at all?”.
There was a point in my life, within the last 5 years, that I thought someone from my life would speak on my behalf. I can recall writing several suicide notes in passing that instructed my family to contact her if the moment arose where I was found dead in some grubby apartment full of a nasty mess, broken electronics, and paraphernalia. I don’t think they would’ve sought that person either way though. The same goes for this site, I just don’t think they would even take the time to read it. I mean, basically they’re all so damn busy anyway, I can hardly ask them a favor because it just requires too much time to accommodate it. I’m not mad at them for it, sometimes I get a little frustrated with them, but that sort of thing is so common in life. We get so preoccupied with the things we need to accomplish day to day, that tending to some forethought aggregated in maybe 30 posts on some obscure website would take up too much time, not to mention the emotional toll it would take on them.
I guess this leads me to ask, is there any point in recording thought? I mean it will never benefit me, and it most certainly won’t be read by the people I care the most for. It doesn’t benefit any of you here either. In fact, I often wonder if anyone here has any interest in anyone other than themselves anyway. I guess my deepest desire in all of this is to be understood, for someone to really comprehend and accept the terms by which my suicide was brought about. It would be a massive failure if I did any less. That’s the thing isn’t it? Can anyone really accept the self imposed death of a loved one brought on by nearly a decade of misery, where half of the time it was all online for everyone to see, but they didn’t get to look until after I was gone? How brutal is that?
The way I see it now is the only reason I can’t kill myself today is because it would absolutely crush my mom. I think it would alter the trajectory of her life, I think it might even derail any chance of her enjoying the latter portion of her life. It scares me to death, I have been experiencing some recent events that are pushing me to a point of despair which I’ve never experienced before. Full blown, face numbing panic attacks. Nightmares which yield a projectile yellow bile deep from my gut onto anything near me when I wake up. I am pretty sure I’ve got PTSD, and I can’t do a damn thing about it. I’m in financial ruin, i’m talking I can save a dime, and I’m not doing drugs. I spend every moment of every day in fear, and I’m rarely comfortable. I genuinely want to die, and I can’t do it, but I’m getting there. I really am getting there, and this time every fiber of my being wants to live. I just don’t feel like I have a choice. I feel like the walls are closing in, to be massively cliche. I genuinely feel as if my freedom could be lost for good. I feel like no matter how many hours I work, that I can’t ever get on stable ground.
So if I can’t use this account to explain my reasoning, and I can’t just die without anyone knowing. If I can’t somehow catch some incurable terminal ass cancer, but most importantly I can’t solve my issues in order to realign my life so that I can get back on track, then what the fuck am I supposed to do?
11 comments
How old are You?
29 years old.
Do You mind me asking some questions?
I don’t know really, in my experience if a person asks that question, as a general rule I don’t care to hear what they have to ask. I feel like that’s the question you ask before you step outside normal social boundaries. I can’t say that I care, with near certainty I can say that nearly anything you ask, say, and anything you think you understand is probably something that I’ve either thought of before or it’s something I’ve tried.
My situation, as I’m sure many others here have in common, is highly complex. I am a person who generally has a contingency plan for his contingency plan, but when it comes down to it, when I’m really backed into a corner, my contingency typically revolves around suicide. At this point in time I believe that’s unacceptable, which is why I’m struggling to really sort out a manner in which I can approach this situation with a level head.
But hey, if you have the interest in typing out some questions, then shoot. Why not, I’m open to nearly everything, and if you actually happen to revisit this thing tomorrow or whatever, then sure any response would be a pleasant surprise. Honestly I waited to long to respond, I’m assuming you won’t even remember responding in the first place.
Do You have a job?
Yes, currently I have a broken foot, and I’m on disability. I work 50-60 hours a week otherwise, and I make too much money annually to file bankruptcy, well I make too much to file chapter 7, but chapter 13 is another story. Currently I’m working towards that but with mitigated pay I’m unable to put forth an adequate amount of money monthly to actually pay off the attorney and get the ball rolling.
Sidenote: In my state they go by the last 6 months of income, which is mildly favorable for me, however even with a 2 month’s mitigated pay, as well as a 2 month period where I was offered no overtime, I still in fact make too much to file chapter 7.
When I say I’ve looked into and tried everything, I really mean it. My contingency planning has contingencies. Furthermore I’ve been lucky enough to get a minute amount of food through this medical situation thing, which has a food bank. I mean really I can’t get into what sort of medical facility this is, I don’t wish to reveal my life’s story.
I just resent the fact that you’d even ask if I had fucking job mate. Seriously do you think I’m 11?
“I feel like no matter how many hours I work, that I can’t ever get on stable ground.” I said that in my post, would that suggest I’m without a job? I think not sir.
Also since you likely have no clue what chapter 13 bankruptcy entails, let me enlighten you. It’s where you pay a lawyer roughly 2 grand to compile your debt and offer you a mitigated payment plan. Where instead you would be paying a bunch of different bill collectors. The funny thing I have medical debt, I have great insurance, however due to ignorance of my youth I racked up the medical debt pretty much because I didn’t know how to navigate the system, and I didn’t have anyone willing to spell it out for me.
I’m sorry for my delayed response. Last questions: What is your dream job? Do you have a gf?
My dream job? Probably something to do with television, I think actor would be great, but I would also love to be a TV critic. I’m certain I could review television with the best of them, and I’ve seen enough shows to really be a great reviewer.
No, I don’t have a significant other currently, and likely I will never have one again. While my looks haven’t gone completely to hell at age 30, I’m still entirely unable to communicate with others properly. I find that I have issues similar to Jonah Hill’s character in “Maniac”. At a certain point, I will without question get extremely heated, and angry towards my SO for something likely outside of their control and without question something insignificant.
It happens every time. In fact, last time it happened within a matter of a couple weeks this year with a previous significant other. That’s probably due to our abundant and heavy baggage from previous events, but that’s the thing I am near certain that would occur with any person I pursued. It happened again with another person.
This year has been unique in that I’ve had sex with 2 people. I generally don’t have sex with anyone, in fact, before this year it had been nearly 3 years since I had sex. To further emphasize the point, the sex I did have was so dissatisfying because of my extreme dry spell that if the opportunity arose again for me to be sexually active I could see myself passing it up mostly out of fear of having a dissatisfying event.
I’m a broken man, I am broken financially, physically, and mentally. I just wish I could die, I wish I could die of something far far out of my hands. Can I take a hit out on myself on the darknet? Boyeee I sure hope so.