update

It’s been a while.

I typed out a long update, and deleted it. Then I did it a second time. And now I’m writing this, as my leg bounces up and down beneath my work station, still completely unsure of what I want to say.

I finally started dating again. I’ll be visiting Denver for the first time next week, a lengthy and much needed vacation with my closest friend. I’ve been reading an incredible amount. My new job and school has been going very well. I began exercising more and have stuck with it. Yet I still feel unfulfilled. Most nights I sit at work after having locked up, just feeling completely empty and directionless. I feel stone cold on my bike rode home. Before I can even slip my shoes off, I sit on the edge of my bed as my head sinks into my hands and I cry. Sometimes I sob, sometimes tears just seamlessly slip down my face as I stare at the floor, and sometimes I just whimper as I try to collect myself before I allow the darkness to completely take over my mind.

I’m considering leaving the state, for good, more and more. I look at apartments online, inquire about job opportunities, and map out commute routes around new and unfamiliar cities. For years, I’ve just known in the back of my head and in the depths of my heart, that I need to get away from here and completely restart. I’m mostly looking at New York City, which feels like a tremendous cliché but I really feel at home there. I feel peaceful and energized at the same time, if that makes any sense to anyone out there.

Anyways, I haven’t seen any familiar names on here quite yet, and I really hope y’all are doing well. <3