Triggered

Things seem to be getting worse as of late. I’m back to sleeping on the floor, and thoughts of suicide are constant. I can’t cope anymore. 

I just had a meltdown. My father sent me a friend request and it triggered extremely bad body memories and some bits and pieces of flashbacks. I had the worst panic attack I’ve had in weeks, and I’m back down to 0 days clean. My leg is stinging, it hurts terribly. But it’s distracting me for the moment. I like to press on the fresh cuts to make the pain worse, sometimes I scratch them until they open and bleed again. It’s not a healthy distraction, but it’s a distraction that helps and that’s enough for me. 

I don’t have therapy until Wednesday. It’s going to be a struggle to wait that long.