Kids are a blessing and a curse… Wanting to die so badly but not wanting to leave them… I love my babies so much… as unhappy as i am in life, i can’t bare to part from them… is this weakness or strength???? i can no longer tell….. if it’s strength, it doesn’t feel like it… All i feel is weak, broken, empty, and trapped… i wish for my end but i can never manage to force my own hand… Is this what my life shall remain or is there any hope left that things will change for me
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Things change, they always do. Children grow, you have so many happy memories to make.
I am having a very similar struggle.
But I’ve decided that, despite having a young daughter who I love more than anything, killing myself is the best choice.
I will never be the parent that she deserves and I’m convinced that she will grow to hate me or just ignore me like every person I gave ever met and tried to connect with.
The fact that I miss her so much when I’m not around her (I only see her once a week) and I can’t get or keep a job and I have no friends and I’m lonely and depressed and miserable 90% of the time really makes the choice obvious.
I love my daughter, I hope she has a wonderful life, But I have to leave her. I have to leave this world.
I know my absence will hurt her, but it’s better this way. I don’t want her to have a pathetic failure for a father. She deserves so much better.
I can relate to that.. I cant leave my babies in that way.
Maybe when they are grown, I’ll be able to be the director in the shitshow movie of my life, but they are too small to comprehend my illnesses or plight.
“I know my absence will hurt her, but it’s better this way. I don’t want her to have a pathetic failure for a father. She deserves so much better.”
I hate to say this because I understand your pain. But you will be much more of a pathetic failure of a father when you kill yourself and leave her alone. I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to be here anymore and I understand that you are so sick of life and of all the losses that come with it and all the failures and all the disappointments. At least find a way to end your life with an illness.. I know depression is an illness as well and it’s a deadly one.. probably the most cruel one because it does not kill you physically.. but emotionally you’re dead. I believe that you have the right to die. BUT.. the public does not understand mental illness yet. You will give your daughter a life-long curse if you kill yourself.. she will suffer the same as you are suffering now. Find a way to get a disease that is known to the public, something everyone understands. She will be able to cope with this, she will not live with life-long guilt and she gets to say goodbye. And you get to die. This is the better choice and with this you are not being a failure.
“At least find a way to end your life with an illness.”
That is an incredibly ignorant thing to say. Do you not think I wish for that every goddamn day? If I could just give myself a terminal illness, I would have done it a long time ago.
I beg for death every single day so I don’t have to end it myself. Unfortunately, I have no control over that.
I can only hope that since she is young, and I only see her once a week, (and didn’t see her at all for an 8 month period because of her mother not allowing it) thst she will recover and be mostly ok with my absence from her life.
If I could suddenly turn my life around and not have everything go to shit all the time, I would.
You’re advice was not at all helpful.