Why?

Welp today I looked into ways that I could make money.

Nothing looks that promising…. Everything will be effort like more than working a regular job would be. But I can’t work a regular job because I know I won’t ever manage to actually work part time and I could not handle full time work it just made me unable to do anything else, everyday I would get home and then worry about not being able to wake up on time to go to work the next day, which led to the week being me being up all night crying then going into work for 9 hours…. The weekends were entirely slept through, I don’t want to go back to that, I’d rather die.

All I need to be happy is $20-$30/week too, that’s all I want…. I have some passive income being set up which should supply about $50/month which is a little small, but it’s at least something, right? I hate how I worry about money so much, how I have to worry about money just to be able to eat, I don’t have the energy to prepare food so to get decent food I do end up spending about $2-$3 ($5 if I treat myself) in food per day on fast food because I am lazy :/ otherwise I eat oatmeal snacks and that’s my entire income of calories…. -_- The getting fast food eats about $5 of gas per week, which isn’t bad if I want to play PoGo constantly then I spend $20 for gas, but if I only play once or twice that turns into about $10…. so so is 12.5 per week, and with my estimated costs I need about $30 each week to not be spending more money than I am making…. so I guess I only do need about 20 more each week….

I’m sorry I needed to just tell somebody this, I am rather worried about this…. I do have enough to sustain myself for many years at least, as does my father…. But as soon as he quit his I started worrying a lot more, and he’s even started drinking a bit more since he isn’t at work all the time (he stayed there longer than he was supposed to by his choice, he seemed to enjoy it for the most part) So that’s increased cost and he doesn’t worry and he also wants me to start managing his finances and it’s stressful and I can’t see my counselor due to no insurance and I can’t be spending money right now that I don’t need to anyway and

I just wish I could die, not existing is better than this…. Ideally life would just not be stressful and we could enjoy this otherwise amazing thing. I don’t want to leave some people though, there’s a few that do seem to genuinely care about me. I do care for them so this is really the first time I’ve had something in my life that has made me feel bad about wanting to die, so I do kind of want to hold on but I also do still want to be dead and it’s mixed and i hate mixed feelings a lot. sometimes I wish I typed slower, these would be much shorter then.