[tw for self-harm]
it’s my own fault for keeping people at arm’s length because i am afraid of being rejected or hurt. but i really wish i had someone to talk to right now about how awful i feel and how much i want to hurt myself and how much i hate this time of year because it is consistently when i am at my most suicidal (seasonal depression on top of normal depression sucks). but i am not close enough to anyone to ask them of this. and even if i was, i would be too afraid that they would think me too depressing and distance themself from me or throw me away outright. i’ve been hurt that way before, and it feels really terrible.
i feel so lonely and overwhelmed, but i can do nothing but cry and reach for the blade to at least get some temporary relief (i.e. self-harm). after i am done with this exam for my online class, i am going to reward myself with a fresh set of scars.
2 comments
Hey there! I like talking to sad humans! I’m a sad human too! I noticed you’ve been on this site for a while 😮 I’m glad you’re still here! I’ve been here for a long time too!
If your lonely, my email is devinbelver at Yahoo. (Id write it out but this site doesn’t like links..) i also have a kik thays devinx7 and you can even join our SP chat room if you’d like!
Well I don’t know if this advice will help you but growing up, birthdays, holidays used to matter for me. Once I hit my 20s they were just another day. Yes Xmas, my b-day and NYE was always a bit special to me but eventually, I stopped caring.
What matters is who you have in your life and how they treat you. There was a time I thought I lost my current set of friends and it was really rough. I also needed them because my life was difficult at the time. We got past that and I don’t expect we’ll be breaking up but if we do it’ll be because something they did or said, not me since I don’t go out of my way to risk relationships.
However I have lost family members and one I thought who’d always be there for me. There’s another person I’m holding onto but once I don’t need them then I might get rid of them.
The trouble is that the things you’re holding onto like holidays, in your mind you think they matter but they don’t. Rather than believing you need people you should see you’re better off without people who hurt you.
If they’re not there for you b-day or support you or kick you when you’re down and laugh about it, are they really your friends? So why do you go looking for support from people who will never give it to you?
Also know that you’re not alone-I never imagined I’d be here with so few contacts and losing a couple of family members (due to fights). If you can rather than experience the emotion and letting them control you, decide that you don’t want to feel hurt/upset and push these feelings away. They won’t accomplish anything anyways.
The best thing to do is make a brand new set of friends by engaging in hobbies or taking classes at school/university. Most people won’t “bite” but knock on every door and you’ll make new friends. Of course you don’t want to be overt, just make a lot of jokes, invite them out for food (not right away) and eventually, the trust will be built.
Once you are self-reliant, then people will be drawn to you. People don’t want to deal with other people’s problems so the best thing to do is hide them as best as you can. It’s a tough world but you have to do what you can to get ahead in life.