Dissociation?

sometimes things don’t feel real.  like a movie.  Am I a human or am I a sloth?

I suppose i prefer this, numb and humdrum to the chaos.  I’m sure i’ll switch back soon.  My girlfriend was here and she’s lovely.  I love her and I worry about her.  I worry about the hurt I’ll cause her.

my movie is in its third act.  As time goes by I try to gather my courage.  I wait for the right time.

I’m going to be getting some money, an inheritance type thing.  Not like an exorbitant amount mind you.  But once I do, I can give it to my friends, to my girlfriend, as much or as little as it will be.  Then I’ll be ready.  Everyone deserves a little consolation prize.  a happy ending.

for this to not happen i’d have to change, ground-up.  it isnt going to happen.  i’ve been trying.  i’m too sick.  i’ve used up any reasonable amount of chances.  i dont deserve this life or the resources dedicated to making it happen.  let my nutrients feed the earth.  a happy ending.  the most noble ending of which i am capable.

i’ll be around, this probably wont happen for months.  So I wait out the winter.  Play nice.