I am socially anxious person but its mostly relatively manageable. The only scenarios where I like really panic is either when I need to talk to a group (like presentation in front of the class or smth like that) or when I talk 1 on 1 with a girl. Its really strange. Like when Im in class with other people around I can go talk to a girl and stay relatively calm but if I was with the same girl alone I couldnt talk to her without cringing super hard or even physically shaking. The weirdest thing is that this occurs (to a lesser extent) even when I just wanna try to have a casual conversation with girl that Im not really attracted to. (Thats probably a lie coz I would be attracted to practically anyone except like some morbidly obese women, or if they were too old or young obviously.. I am not very picky when it comes to looks, I just want to be with someone that would genuinely care about me and had feelings for me)
Every time some girl is nice to me (or even just talks to me) a voice pops up in my head saying: She only talks to you coz she can see how desperate you are and she just feels sorry for you.
I mostly fear of cringing hard af, coming off as just some total creep predator. People call it fear of rejection but I think that is not accurate, at least not for me. I dont fear of getting rejected, I asked a girl out to a movie recently, she said no and it was not a big deal. I even felt really relieved. Its actually quite the opposite. It sounds crazy but I fear of getting accepted rather then rejected. I am extremely lazy useless person, I hate myself and I fear of letting people down, not being good enough for a healthy relationship. I fear I would just waste peoples time and life like Im wasting mine.
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do you cringe and shake only when you try to talk to girls or does it pretty much happen when talking to complete strangers in general
No, Im prolly fine with guys. I mean I would probably cringe a bit too when talking to complete strangers but definitely not to the point where I would be shaking. I dont interact with strangers that much. The main point was that I would cringe even when talking to a girl I know, I went to class with for 8 years if I were with her alone.
It sounds like you’ve been hyper-focusing on the problem. That makes solving it really hard, because the source of the anxiety isn’t the problem, it’s the anxiety.
When it can be approached calmly, logically, understand how little their vision of you reflects of who you actually are. The person we present in public is a snapshot, a two dimensional picture of a human with much more dimension than that. Getting a date is a sales pitch, which means it can have nuance, but ultimately is about presenting something and convincing someone that they want it.
It’s doable. It won’t fix things though. There are so many options for companionship, and many of them are as confused and scared as anyone. A relationship is not to make anyone happy, it makes you less alone.
Have you tried talking to a therapist or psychiatrist about this? I think heartlessviking is correct, and the issue is anxiety which needs to be addressed.
When I was younger (in high school), I never had any problems talking to anyone, but as I got older (especially after university) it got worse and worse. For me it was never strangers, it was acquaintances, the less I knew them the worse it was. I knew it was a form of social anxiety, and it was just getting worse and worse every year which caused me to get more and more depressed. I would cringe as well, even just remembering conversations or thinking of having them.
It turns out I had really bad anxiety due to my thyroid which was getting increasingly out of control. Once that was treated, my anxiety dropped dramatically. After years and years of cringing and wincing and shaking and looking scared around others, I was able to exist normally. Never thought I’d be able to get to this point again, which to be clear took quite awhile to reach even after my overactive thyroid was nuked. My point is, if you can treat your anxiety, the complications it causes should resolve of their own accord.
Therapy can also help you learn to be less critical of yourself, and even to find value in yourself. Fear of wasting others’ time is a common symptom of depression (and, anxiety is often worsened by depression, at least for me). If you can treat the root causes of your depression and anxiety, your fear of talking to girls should hopefully evaporate on its own.
For what it’s worth (and I hope this doesn’t sound strange!) but as a female, I’ve always really really appreciated the guys who worry about being creepy or making girls feel uncomfortable. There are just so many guys out there that don’t care about how they’re making me feel uncomfortable, when I can tell a guy is trying so hard to be polite and respectful (or even straight out says he doesn’t want to come off as a creep), it really is refreshing. I am sure many of the young ladies you speak with notice this, and give you the benefit of the doubt.
That’s a healthy fear. You should cherish it, as it’s an important survival instinct.
excuse me, what? 😀
Whats healthy about not being able to have a face to face basic conversation with another human being coz you are too anxious about it?
Maybe it’s because you don’t have to worry about someone killing you for saying the wrong thing.
Person 1: “Hey, do you like my new jacket?”
Person 2: “Eh, it’s okay.”
Person 1: “What the hell do you mean ‘okay’?!”
Person 2: *gets stabbed*
I think T. C. is being cynical. I do feel that you are probably focusing more on your anxiety about your problem than is healthy.
You come across as a compassionate man. A man who has created a persona that he feels is pathetic. Women may sense your insecurity. I think you should talk to a therapist and work on your self esteem. There’s a great guy inside you. LET HIM OUT!
@clipped-wings you’re very encouraging, and I do respect that.
@emptypluto there’s that too 😛
On a serious note, @patheticmale , anxiety and fear exist for a reason. In the case of women, I would guess that what you call “cringing” is actually your subconscious fear of women mislabeling you and your intentions as “creepy”, and thus turning most of your peers, or those around you, against you. After all, if a woman decries you as “creepy”, you’re basically going to be worse then dirt in most peoples’ eyes.
The voice that pops up in your head may be saying true things, or it may be saying false things. The fact that you are subconsciously trying to understand the reasoning behind a woman conversing with you is proof enough that in those cases, you mistrust them. And this mistrust is a very healthy thing.
And this doesn’t just apply to women. Sure, women have different tools then men with which they can screw you over. But both genders are equally dangerous and despicable.
Humanity is simply grotesque, and to be anxious and afraid, and calculate all possibilities, is the only wise thing to do. As mouse told you, better to be fearful then to be too trusting. Watch out for women. Don’t be manipulated, don’t let your guard down, don’t think of them as being “like you” — if you think of them as dangerous aliens, you will be happier for it in the long run, trust me. And watch out for men. I won’t get into all the dangers of men, because your post is mainly concerned with women, but I do want to note that there are equally bad things that a man can do that you need to watch out for.
I personally think of women as aliens, and of men as pigs or monkeys. It keeps me sane to visualize this when I interact with humanity.
I will say, I’ve met some amazing men. And I’ve met some (arguably even more) amazing women. Obviously, visualizations and stereotypes are for survival purposes, and aren’t blanket statements. But the probability that you’re talking to a monkey or alien FAR outweighs the probability that you are talking to a decent human being. Trust me on that one.
better than being too trusting, that’s for sure
Try talking to women the same way you talk to men, a wise person once told me that, plus I think Warren Beatty said it.
Well that is really intuitive (not that its a bad advise or anything). Unfortunately its a subconscious thing and I cant control it.
And I salute you asking that girl to the movies, that took balls so you’re in no way pathetic! You’ve proved your username wrong.
I asked through facebook obviously. I would never have the balls to do it IRL
So what ? Sending a Facebook message is still communicating. Sure, it’s not like doing it IRL, but it’s still asking her out
Consider getting a copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I found it helped me understand communicating with women far better than I thought possible. With the newfound understanding came a level of confidence in speaking with them I had not known before.