Im tired. But I’m not just tired because I need sleep and I’m not just tired because I’m exhausted. I’m tired of all of this bullshit. I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of trying so hard to not cry that I get a lump in my throat. I’m tired of balling my eyes out at night. I’m tired of the scars I’ll get and the way people will look at me when they see them at the beaches. I’m tired of all the pain. I’m tired living here. I’m tired of being on this earth. I’m tired of trying for people who don’t care about me. I’m tired of explaining myself to be called a bullshitter either way. I’m tired of feeling guilt. I’m tired of being a disappointment. I’m tired of losing the ones who mean the absolute most to me. I’m just so fucking tired of everything and everyone. I just need sleep, preferably forever. If I say goodnight I won’t ever be tired again.
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Then try not to. Change something.
I know it’s one of them “good advice”, but it could work.
Bullshit – don’t create, disseminate, and try to avoid it altogether.
Pain – life is pain ;). There’s also a fuckton of medication, that help in most cases, but finding the source would be better.
Crying – crying do help sometimes. I write that as a male.
Scars – I never really understand the need for that (and got enough of psychological ones), so don’t know what to say.
Living here – maybe instead of living, you’ve just been alive , and hence the “discord” ?
Trying for other people – then don’t. I have an alcoholic father, and a schizophrenic mother, and belieeeve me, even “partially removing myself from that equation”, was, and is hard, but it’s necessary, and helpful.
Called a bullshitter – that’s why education is important 😉
Feeling guilt – if you did something “bad”, you should feel “bad”.
If some manipulative, toxic bastard wants to make you fell “bad”, you shouldn’t.
Being a disappointment – to whom ?
Losing people – well, that’s the price for being human, creating relationships.
Needing sleep – maybe. Maybe you need to make less permanent changes in your life.
I appreciate you taking the time in writing this for me, and to answer some of your questions, you’re right, I dont think I’m living anymore, simply existing. I did do something bad and a person is making me feel horrible about it whereas I’m trying to forget about it. I am a disappointment to the person who this post is mostly about, my cousin. And yes, the biggest best and closest relationship is with my cousin who is, oh sorry, WAS my best friend. And honestly I just need things to be less ever-so changing too. I just want things back to the way they were.
Well, either stop doing bad things, be a disappointment, or try not to let it bother you so much.
If you want something that isn’t here, what you want is change.
I know that words might mean nothing for you, yet the only thing I can do to make you feel better is to tell you to “Cheer up”. I’m so sorry that life didn’t turn out the way you wanted. I sometimes thought that God (if He existed) was my archenemy, for my every wish was ignored. But you could still cheer yourself up. Have a drink of hot chocolate and read a book. For me, doing these little things work very well in making me feel better. Hope the same can apply to you.
I get the idea you’re trying to get across, but I assume it is winter where you are? Drinking a hot chocolate in the middle of summer isn’t a great idea hahah but yeah I get what you mean, thanks.