Strange feeling…

I haven’t felt this way in a while. It happens very rarely with me even when I should feel this way but i think I’ll let it have it’s expression for a change. I rarely get angry. I’m always really calm and easygoing but after cowering in my room for 5 days straight and not doing anything but sitting on my bed all day and napping here and there with a couple sides of deep thought…..I’ve had enough of just simply existing. I have 2 job interviews tomorrow so I guess that’s something to look forward to. I suppose it’s healthy to release some pent up energy. I feel like I haven’t existed for my past 4 years. This isn’t the first time that I’ve locked myself in my room for days on end. I once stayed inside for 8 months. It sucks when this happens. Luckily for me I have a caring family who understands my illness but still, I mustn’t keep this up. I refuse to just give up. I have to get back out there again. I’m a pathetic man. I’ve got no balls! I need to grow a pair and face the world. It’s the only way I will leave my dad’s home. It’s the only way I will ever have a chance at finding my purpose in life. First I must admit my setbacks. I am a scrawny college dropout with $300 in debt to LA fitness (soon to be $750), I am a nervous wreck with severe social anxiety, I am an alcoholic, and I’ve pushed away most people who have tried to help me. I need to change right now. If I keep this up….fuck that, I won’t let it keep going like this.