drowning.

Sometimes it feels really close to drowning. I’m not being melodramatic, that’s the closest I can describe depression as, especially after fighting against it and being productive. I just pulled off a really tough shift of work, and I’d like to be pleased. Instead I feel the unpleasant sensation of my lungs trying to collapse, of sinking.

To me working feels a lot like swimming, especially when I don’t want to swim. I trained in life saving and other swimming stuff once. I love the water, there’s freedom there. Winter sucks in that way, not enough chances to be immersed in water. Swimming is hard though. Especially past the point of exhaustion, which is the swimming I’m talking about. I’m thinking specifically about swimming a set number of laps for a qualifier.

There’s something terrible and wonderful about someone else wanting something. I can fall back into pleasing them and let go my own desires, it’s nice. Yet as soon as I have satisfied what they want all motivation is gone…. I start to sink. In some ways doing this semester is like a swimming marathon or training season. Every day I get up and swim from point A to point B. Why? Doesn’t matter, it’s the job.

I long to stop, but I’m terrified to stop. I love doing it, I hate how I feel at other times, like now.

So empty, so tired, wishing so hard to sink to the bottom of the deepest ocean. Today and for the last week there has been no sunshine, no ability to get time outside. The one day there was some I had to spend the whole day inside. It’s like people are cooking cake and giving it away for free to anyone who will just abandon their ability to earn. It seems like nature is a cruel ***** that wants to deny me any pleasure….

next rain, then freezing rain, then cold but NEVER snow. This is a cruddy excuse for winter. We get cold, we get sick, but we can’t get any of the NICE parts.