Do you ever feel like the thought of death is what keeps you alive? That you must hold on only to find a more perfect way of ending it all? I certainly do… I have so much to live for. But the thought of death seems to give me more will to live than any of the other things, if that makes any sense at all. Yet I can’t ever see myself going through with it, here in the real world. I fantasize about it all the time. It would be insanely easy to do. There’s a gun cabinet in my parents bedroom. I know where the key is. That’s not how I want to die, but it’s so tempting. I envision myself dead on the floor with blood spattered about. In my mind I’ve killed my self thousands of times. But I don’t even know if I have the guts to ever go through with it. It’s stupid. Living. Dying. All of it. All the pain it would cause my family and boyfriend. I could never hurt them. But I want to die.
On the news there are so many shootings and accidents. So many people (people who probably want to live) that are pointlessly dying. I would give anything to take the place of one of them, to spare them, and myself.
My perfect, wonderful life.
Girls are jealous of my body, guys want to be with me. They don’t know the starvation and binging and self hate and guilt and pain it took to get here, and I still hate how I look.
My boyfriend, the sweetest guy. So many people are looking for love, thinking it will fix something. In some ways it did, but while I love him, I’m still here.
My supportive loving family. On here I see so many who are abused, and I have never once had anything near the horror of that happen to me.
My faith, which should give me hope.
My good grades in school.
Everything. I’m not rich but far from poor, surrounded with people who love me, no real problems (my diet from another post, but in reality not the most horrible.)
So why am I still here? Why do I still cry, why do I still want to cut, why do I want to die? Why do I hate my very being?
It seems so wrong to wish something horrible happened to me. But at least then I might have a reason to feel this way. For now I just feel stupid.
3 comments
We like knowing reasons, it can help to make sense of the world, cause and effect, logical conclusion.
But there isn’t always a clear cut reason. Sometimes it’s just a fluke of genetics, wires got crossed and that’s it. People tend to point to a chemical imbalance, but who really knows. Stressors can make the feelings worse, hormones, sometimes they just cycle without warning. Even people who have some type of big event or trauma they can point to.. Things can still go in and out, regardless of any blessings or moving forward. You can actually be grateful for the good things in your life (and most people have a few things going for them, even if they aren’t felt too much) and still not be “ok”, doesn’t make your experience any less valid. I do know that getting down on yourself for “not having a reason” isn’t going to help you, probably just the opposite and feed into the cycle.
Death can be a comforting, if dark thought, but also after awhile focusing on it becomes a habit, living with it normal. Can’t give advice on how not to want to want it, tho, I’m terrible at breaking bad habits.
I always envy people whose parents have gun cabinets because I’ve always envisioned suicide by gunshot but my parents are not the type. You know, so many people do, and I always thought if only you know then it would be much easier to end my life. But, don’t do it, you know. You sound happy enough.
Of course I am older now (24) and I’ve finally after 12 years kicked the idea of gunshot suicide but now I’ve figured out other methods and to leave guns out of it cause although they do kill you easily it is not pretty and rather violent. Most people use guns because they see no other way to commit and no other way around it.