how are you doing, really?

I was watching a video of people answering this question and id wish someone would ask me this, but id like to answer anyways. Im smiling, breathing, laughing with everyone around. but how am I really when I wake up each morning and as I lie in my bed before going to sleep. with all the thoughts running through my mind.

im almost nineteen. as I get older each year I realize more and more that I don’t know what I actually want to do. I don’t know what my future holds or what ill end up doing. I have these goals and dreams, I want to do this and that. but I truly don’t know what or how im going to achieve those goals. im going to college, which is a step closer, but im not sure how far that’ll get me. because if im being completely honest with myself.. I am doing shit in school right now. I was put in academic probation after my first semester because of how horrible my grades were. and what caused that.. I was depressed most of the semester, missed plenty of classes because I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t have the motivation to do so, I had the mentality that I was going to drop out and kill myself anyways so why keep trying. this got the best of me and I let assignment after assignment go by without a thought. this semester I began trying a lot harder, but towards the end the same feeling overwhelmed me again. I stopped caring. and I cant seem to stop this feeling.

my next thing is im a teen mom. and that’s a problem in of itself. and I feel like a shit person for even ‘complaining’ about this since yes, it is my fault. and I take full responsibility for my actions and the consequences that came with it. I love my son and id do anything for him. but there are times I wish I could kill myself because he’d be better off without me, or im too stressed or depressed to be a mom that day. and balancing school with being a mom. theres also the whole work situation. I cant get a job because one I have no experience and two im already caught up with school and being a mom I feel like id fail at that as well.

the next thing is being held down by my parents. as I said I don’t have work and I have a son. so I still depend and live with my parents. which isn’t a problem. for now. it seems like they have lost all hope in me moving out and moving on with my life. and it seems like they will hold this against me for the rest of my life. I plan on getting a job and moving out, taking my kid with me. but it doesn’t seem to be a plan for them.

im not looking for anything out of this post, just needed a place to rant. thanks for reading, have a good day.