I hurt myself today
To see if I’d still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real
I look at myself, at my life, and then I compare it to my friends. You see, I actually have good friends. I don’t have a ton, I could never throw some huge party or whatever, but I have 5-10 people I can just rely on and I think they’re really good people. Then there’s me. I don’t really bring anything to the table. I’m not funny, I’m don’t do awesome things, I’m not good at anything. I just don’t get it. I feel like I have no identity. It’s as though I’m just a mash up of everyone in my life. I know that’s what everyone is, but I just feel like I’m the only one with no “me” part. No one has any bit of me in them. Maybe because there is no me. People always tell me I look just like my dad, and I act/talk exactly like my brother. I have no individuality, and it kinda sucks. I don’t know why anyone would see value in me, and I certainly don’t see any myself.
I cut myself for the first time in over a month I think. It felt so good, too. I’m not really sure why I stopped. I certainly wasn’t feeling better. I love numbing myself. Whether it be pain, drugs or alcohol, they’re all great. Two out of three right now (although not nearly enough of either), maybe I’ll get high later to complete the trifecta. Life is awesome.
6 comments
You have a identity. you. As you grow older you will see it more. How you dress. The muisc you like.
I call BS. All of your friends love you precisely because you ARE unique. Each member of your whole group brings something different to the table. You’re your own guy. You’ve seen the dark side of things, the bright side of things, you’re smart, you’re good at hockey, violin, school, bass, guitar, piano, you are funny, you are good looking, and that’s what makes you you. The combination of all of your various talents and the way you approach the world. Not your deficiencies, or the similarities you share with other people. I bet lots of people talk like your brother, he’s a typical guy. And since you’ve lived with him for most your life, I think it’s pretty standard. And you look like your dad, I look like my mom. It shouldn’t make you feel like you don’t have an identity.
You’re a special guy, you deserve the world, and I hope that you see that eventually. You’re going to make someone very happy when they see you in all your glory. Nobody could ask for anything better than you, they wouldn’t find it. Trust me, I’m trying. That guy doesn’t exist.
Even someone as good as you. Nobody in the world will ever get that guy because only you reach that level.
Over a month free, huh? I must say I’m mighty proud of you. Trying to make it through for just a week is already hard enough. So really, that just shows how strong and how amazingly you can control yourself!
You say you’ve got good friends, didn’t you think, for just a minute, that you too are good? They wouldn’t be by your side, the way they are, if that wasn’t true.
It’s you who are deciding to not bring anything to the table, be funny, all that. (even though i’m sure that, that’s far from the truth 😉
There’s no way that you’re not good with something! You just need to open your eyes a little wider to see, just how amazing you are, man!
You must’ve got yourself some awesome genes now, didn’t ya’? You’re dad did make you! There’s nothing better than that. 😉
So let’s go through this,
You’ve got strength and will power(gain a little more of both, and you’d be perfect).
You’re a good person.
You just need to open your eyes a little wider, and look at all the amazing things life can offer you.
I dare bet you that you sure as heck are good looking!
Believe in yourself. Cause I do. I believe in you.
The thing about good friends is that they’re too nice to tell you that you suck. But I appreciate the support. Thanks 🙂
Not really. Good friends will tell you you suck if that’s the truth you have to hear. They probably have no basis on which to make such claims in your case though.