Holding on, longing for more

It’s been awhile since I was here, both literally and metaphorically. I’ve been so busy, which is a lie in a way, I had time to tend to things, it just wasn’t managed very well.

Now though, I am alone for awhile. My therapist quit, not on me but the organization that I was getting therapy through. The irony here is that I hired him 7 months ago to attempt to build a longer term therapy relationship with someone…. 7 months isn’t long term, I’ve had many therapy relationships last longer than that.

I’m still missing my best friend, or should I say former? I have no idea anymore. I dreamed about her last night, in the middle of a dream orgy and we were fighting… I guess that’s the way our story goes. Strange sexual tension and confused themes regarding the role she was supposed to play in my life. She doesn’t play any role in my life now, just another regret.

I keep moving forward, and am somewhat successful at that. My deadline this week that would have concluded today now will give me another five days to finish this project, which is great.

I’m struggling financially. It isn’t that I lack for food or essentials, it’s that I have a creditor breathing down my neck that I have no idea how to pay, as well as multiple projects that are on indefinite hold. I have things I need/want to do in the next few months, and I have no idea how I’ll end up pulling together the resources to do them. I’m very sick of being financially desperate, but there it is.

Thoughts of death come and go, as do thoughts on futility, failure and so on. I’m not terribly active on that score, because on some level I believe that better times are coming. In a year and a half I finish undergraduate university, hopefully two years from now I’ll be graduate school bound, preparing to move out of my home of ten years to a new city, new state and new job. It seems so close, and it also seems so far away. Sometimes I wonder if that finish line is actually there, if I’ll be able to get in, despite my successes I’m not sure that I’m smart enough, or qualified enough to get in.

All of these things spill out here, possibly never to be read or understood because at my core I am alone. I long for many things that I’m not even able to start chasing, and my freedom is about seven years away. All the while the winds howl outside, the country I love is as always divided and in danger, and the heat of summer attempts to chip away at my physical ability to cope.

I just take another step, not knowing where my path leads, hoping for better, ready for worse.