I’ve been thinking of suicide these past couple of months. The feeling comes and goes. The feeling is generally a bit of depression. But no extreme feelings. Right now what I feel is – inadequate in my job, lazy, and not wanting to do things that will excite me. In saying that, i’ve been playing with my bass guitar, and zoning out. I know a little bit about depression and its symptoms – irritability – yes it is there in small degree, and loss of interest in activities – kind of… I still have interests… The feeling of depression comes on more and more the more I dwell on it. Its a self fulfilling thing. And this is where suicide comes in. I have a life insurance policy in place that means my family will be financially looked after. I am the eldest son of 4 sons, and I look after my mum and my brothers. One of my brothers lives with his girlfriend. My dad is alive I think, but does not contact us any more. I have a job that pays above average, and I have a group of friends. The feeling of depression really stems from my dislike of my job. I have made various moves in my career, and feel like I have run out of room to move, away from this job I do not like. Right now, I feel numb. No tears or emotion. I’ve been web browsing on painless suicide techniques. Over the weekend while driving I had a short urge to crash on the highway, which I quickly reasoned away. Anyway, theres more but for now this is my story. I have read stories of high profile people (now well adjusted) such as Stephen Fry, who went through bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. Theres no point trying to hide it away. But I havent told anyone. Noone knows. I’m trying to handle it, and self medicate. I believe depression is a function of your environment. ie my job is making me depressed, and making some changes will change me. Even talking about it and writing about it may take the pressure off.
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7 comments
Talk to some one about it. Are you jude law?
dolittle, are you drunk?
Again Bad joke. If you got Depression talk to some one maybe a doctor.
It could be the pressure of your job. Talk to some one.
Ha i told my pschiatrist i was suisidal he sent me an earlier aptmnt and said “hang in there” maybe i will lol
Im drunk and wreckless fuck im tored of this life i just want to cry too many funerals too many bad days i feel like howling but im going to paint a picture instead just to tide me over
I know exactly how you feel. Depressed since 11, short courses of antidepressants on and off, but mostly deal with it on my own. All I can say is… eventually… it builds up. I’m 30 now, and this year I’ve accepted the fact that I need to start talking about it. So keep talking. You can try to talk to your friends and family as well, but don’t take it bad if they don’t understand and act cold – that’s just them not knowing how to deal. This is where talking to a proffessional can really help. In any event, you’re not alone.
Hey guys,
I Appreciate your comments, even the flippant ones!
I feel much better today, I feel back to normal and functional.
Honestly this post was some kind of outlet, and some indulgence in sadness. I did find it useful to type out what was in my head, and to review it the day after.
Alot of it is emotional, and emotions can change day to day.
I went for a swim yesterday evening which did me some good, I didnt move or exercise that whole week, so that may have contributed to my sour mood.
I will try to talk more about it to friends, I’ve never told anyone and I think it will be useful getting support.
No I’m not Jude Law… haha. (I’m trying to figure out the reference… some movie?? All I can think of is Gattaca)