I haven’t been on here in five years. I read some of my old posts on my old account and realized that I’m heading back down that path. When I stopped writing on here, my mind had gone from a dark place to a bright one. A place full of positivity. Five years later, here I am. No one is perfect. No one can stay happy all the time, and I know I’ll figure my shit out eventually but it’s hard, and I feel like I need to write about it. This website crossed my mind, and I figured why not?
I have attempted suicide many times in my life. I have scars that catch my eye every day to remind me. On the good days, I can shrug them off like they’re not even there. But on the bad days, it’s all I can do not to sit, stare, and remember how desperately sad I was. I am, in fact, in a better place now mentally. But I think we all here know that the sadness never just goes away. And I think we also all know that it finds our weak spots and tries to creep in on the bad days. Today is a bad day.
I feel like maybe I used to be a good person. Or at least, I thought myself to be a good person. And then I guess life happened. Mistakes happened. Regrets. But there’s no turning back time, is there? So the only thing to do is to own those regrets. To prove to myself that I am better than them and to prove that I have learned from them. And then maybe, once I’ve proven it to myself, everyone else will see too. But people are strange; they like to hold grudges. They like to use your mistakes against you when it conveniences them. Has anyone else noticed this? I think that’s so useless and hypocritical. We have all been in a bad place at some point or another. We have all done things we wish we hadn’t. So why hold it over someone else’s head? It makes no sense to me.
Anyway, theres much more on my mind, but perhaps that will have to wait. I already feel better. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I hope life gets better for each and every one of you. I hope you continue to improve yourself, and most of all I hope you learn to love yourself. After all, that’s the goal, right?
3 comments
“And then maybe, once I’ve proven it to myself, everyone else will see too. But people are strange; they like to hold grudges. They like to use your mistakes against you when it conveniences them. Has anyone else noticed this?”
Noticed that as well. I don’t know if it’s the same but I do hold grudges in some cases, and when those people sit there being high and mighty on their god given horses, I have on some occasions reminded them. Wouldn’t be around them at all if I could help it, but I do have to be for now. The thing that irks me about them I guess is that they, unlike you, don’t own their mistakes. They blame others, they blame me still for their choices and their behavior.
What I am doing I don’t think is really the same thing, but maybe that’s just me protecting my own ego. Don’t really trust my own brain enough to discount it, and maybe it’s just a bad, dumb idea to go around poking people with the disposition of an angry honey badger when they still hold some control over my life for now.
Welcome back. I’m sorry you are feeling worse again. Glad that writing it down helped though. Guess this is a long winded way of saying it but mostly just letting you know someone read it. Probably lots of people by the time I actually post this with how long it’s taking but anyway, hope the better days come along soon again there.
im glad your feeling better
Sometimes I wonder why we go from a good place to a bad place. A lot of times other’s put us in these bad places. For example you go to work and do a good job people like your company and you laugh while working the boss comes by and automatically gets upset because he’s losing money because he is not running the business correctly therefore he blames you, Stop talking! Stop laughing! I’m going broke! Get to work! Your useless! Just because he is miserable he want’s everyone to be miserable, So later on talking to a friend that asks how you doing? Oh I hate my job the owner is an asshole! And you just go back to talking about other things, but you still feel bad and know tomorrow is going to be another terrible day! In other words you are fine but it’s the boss that is ruining your life! Sometimes you have to fire the boss! That goes for anything people just don’t wake up in bad moods for no reason, sometimes you have to change what is depressing you, set a goal and make a plan. Like cancer you need to cut it out.
I’m just rambling 🙂