I hate my fucking life

I’ve spent the last 7 years of my life staring down the neck of a bottle. I know my drinking will kill me eventually but right now it is the only thing keeping me alive. The only thing  helping me through a lifetime of misery. I’m so sick of people telling me how beautiful I am. My looks have never done anything for me except get me used by monsters and abused by possessive assholes. People tell me how smart I am but what is the fucking point when no one listens. I feel like I am lost in a never ending void where I’m either drinking, fucking, starving, overeating  or cutting myself just to feel something. This isn’t the life I wanted and I’ve tried all my life to change it. I had a shitty life but I try to put it aside for my Foster family still I feel lost and alone. I’m so sick of trying