So. I just stumbled across this site and thought I’d give it a try… so basically I’ve been seriously considering killing myself for about a year now. And I mean SERIOUSLY considering it… I have a plan, but I just need to make a music playlist to go along with it… or maybe I’ll just skip that. I’m really thinking about doing it right now, but something keeps holding me back. 🙁
I see a therapist once a week and I’m about a month in with Prozac. It’s helping with the anxiety, but FUCK I want to die. Plus I feel like the meds are messing with my brain… I keep misspelling words and stuff; I’m quite smart but I feel like this drug is making me dumb, if that makes sense…
Anywho, the only reason I’m staying alive is because I just bought $60 worth of various psychedelic drugs and I feel like I at least need to try some of this shit before I go! I mean I’ve tried booze, pot, benzos and combos of the three. And kratom, which is awesome when you’re on it but makes you feel like shit the next day.
But where was I… oh yes, offing myself. I can’t take this anymore! Either I kill myself or somebody else, and I feel morally opposed to taking someone else’s life. But still… does anyone ever think about that? Like just beating the shit out of someone you know well? Or taking a knife to them? Or emptying a round on their pathetic little body?
Speaking of guns, does anyone ever imagine an out-of-the-body experience where you’re detached from your body and killing yourself somehow? It’s like a homicidal and suicidal fantasy rolled into one! Fun stuff!
Fuuuuck. Sorry. I know I’m messed up. Just another reason to die.
P.S. I checked myself into the psych ward a few weeks back… baaad experience. Next time, I won’t bother with that shit and just go ahead with it while I have my courage up.
3 comments
I dont think you are “messed up”. I think you obviously have some issues going on in your life & that doesnt mean something is wrong or messed up with you. Thats just life. But honestly, killing someone else is only going to make things ten times worse because you will have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life. Killing yourself also wont help because I think everyone has a purpose in life & you may not have fulfilled yours yet. Things will get better as long as you strive to make them better. I used to think that killing myself was the only way out of my terrible situation until I finally got a wake up call & realized that if I wanted things to be different, I had to change them myself. If you ever need someone to talk to, dont hesitate to contact me. 🙂
Tell your doctor to change medications. Suicidal tendancies are sometimes a side effect of prozac
Trust me, the suicidal ideation started waaaaaaaay before the Prozac. And hey I’m still alive! Who woulda thunk. If booze and drugs didn’t exist, I would have been dead a long time ago! sad but true!