I often find myself alternating between feeling two distinct states, nothing and self-hate/hopelessness. It seems to alternate at the rate of blinking light, its speed depending on the stimuli. When I’m not feeling this way, I feel a dull sense of depression, a pessimistic coloration to all of life’s events. I just feel so disconnected from reality and existence, so much so that I can’t even imagine myself being a part of it. When I contemplate my inadequacy and faults, I don’t want to exist anymore. I see myself as valueless, that the universe would be perfectly fine without me. I know this is true, because we’re all insignificant, highly evolved (sometimes) primates, living for vague conceptions of purpose. But it goes further than that. At least other people have a self, and are not defined by obsessive thoughts and depersonalization. I feel as though my self is nothing, and that since it is nothing, there is no reason for me to live at all. I’ve attempted suicide before, about 2 years ago. Since then, I have came close several times to trying again. A few of my friends, and one member of my family knows about this, but they think I’ve gotten better. The truth is, I’ve just gotten better at coping. But sometimes I fear that won’t be enough, and that a negative event will cause me to complete my inevitable death a little sooner than would naturally occur.