Existence. Non-existence. Two mutually exclusive states that we all wrestle with or have a dim awareness of. What does it mean for consciousness to be nothing? What does it mean for consciousness to be “something”? It’s questions like these that I’ve struggled with. I’ve never felt like I’ve possessed a “self” or consequently, value. I’ve always felt I’m just a collection of vaguely associated thoughts, beliefs, emotions, neuroses, and psychological tendencies. Because of this, I’ve had trouble developing self-confidence, which I’m told is COMPLETELY NECESSARY for any kind of success, professionally or in relationships. This is what scares me. The root of all my problems, […]
Author
mynameiskorey
I often find myself alternating between feeling two distinct states, nothing and self-hate/hopelessness. It seems to alternate at the rate of blinking light, its speed depending on the stimuli. When I’m not feeling this way, I feel a dull sense of depression, a pessimistic coloration to all of life’s events. I just feel so disconnected from reality and existence, so much so that I can’t even imagine myself being a part of it. When I contemplate my inadequacy and faults, I don’t want to exist anymore. I see myself as valueless, that the universe would be perfectly fine without me. I know this is true, […]