To Tony:

Maybe there are times when I’m not a complete burden to you, but the fact of the matter is that, because I’m so fucking depressed, suicidal, and otherwise fucked-up, I am now a burden to you, and it shows.  I wear you down, and since I have no one else to turn to, you feel obligated to listen to me.  I never wanted to be an obligation.  The things you liked about me were the happy me, and I don’t know how to bring that version of me back.  I’ve become a cross that people feel obligated to bear now, and that’s the last thing I ever wanted to be.  I’ve worked so hard to build up my worth around my usefulness and exploitability, and now my stupid coward brain has ruined any chance of me having worth.  I’m a damage no one can afford to take on, not even you and your strong, nice, beautiful brain.  It won’t take a year to get over me; you’ll be back on your feet before you know it.  You’ve got so many good things ahead of you, and you’re going to do great because you are great.  Lots of folks who take a moment to get to know you can see that much.

That professor we were watching was talking about how you wouldn’t tell someone with a physical ailment to just “toughen up” and “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” or whatever, but even if this was a physical ailment, I’d still have chosen this, given my situation.  There’s no good way to proceed.  So, this being the case, I’ll take the option that reduces the most amount of harm in the long term.  I remember thinking how funny it was when he talked about people being in the hospital for this type of stuff.  That’s not an option for most people, and it’s certainly not an option for me.

I want you to know that I wanted to help pay for anything you need this next bit of time, and that all the money I’m supposedly saving up for apartment rent goes to you.  There should be a decent amount there (at least, decent in my poor people eyes), even though I wish I could’ve given more.  You mean the world to me, and I want nothing more than to see you do great because you’re the best person I know, and I’m not just saying that because this is a stupid fucking suicide note.  You’re the kindest person I’d ever met in my life.  Thank you so much for everything.

-K