I keep getting overwhelmed by the thought that I should be ending it now, while I still can, before something terrible happens. Not that things aren’t bad now – but it’s more or less tolerable. I have no life, no prospects, no real relationships – I’m completely alone. I’m full of regret, longing, guilt, shame, self-hatred etc. But I’m used to it. I’m used to being miserable. If everything just stayed like this, I reckon I could stick it out another 50 years and die naturally. Or at least until my parents died.
But things won’t stay like this. Things will continue to deteriorate. And the longer you live, the greater your risk of experiencing great suffering.
The world is full of unlikely accidents and unpleasant diseases. It seems a virtual guarantee that if you live long enough, you will get cancer (mercifully most people just die of age related illness first.) Any time you get in a car, you could be in a terrible accident.
Now most people probably won’t experience the extreme end of such suffering. Burning alive is rare. Drowning in panic and desperation is rare. Being eaten alive by rats is exceptionally rare.
But the risk is always there. And the longer you live, the greater it becomes.
It seems most people have at least some encounter with severe pain over the course of their life. But that may be ameliorated by positive and meaningful relationships in their lives. For example a woman might feel that the terrible pain of childbirth was worth enduring for the experience of bonding with their new child.
I suppose my issue is that I have nothing like that. I can’t imagine anything significantly positive in my future to make the endurance of great pain worthwhile. I can’t see how I’d ever have a real relationship, let alone children.
So I face the same risk of extreme suffering as every other person, but with very little of the positive motivation.
If (as I believe) I have very little positive to live for, then it seems sensible to focus on minimizing my exposure to the negative. In which case, why not end it as quickly and painlessly as possible?
The primary reason seems to be attachment (or addiction) to being this self. To my memories, my thoughts, my conception of a ‘me’.
But this rather narcissistic concern doesn’t seem sufficiently meaningful to justify continuing to face the risks of this world.
Instead, it seems that if possible it should be overcome, so that what I am can come to an end before something truly terrible befalls me.
Which all leaves me rather lost.
4 comments
You might not believe this, but you seem like a very courageous person. I mean that. I’ve pretty much given up, completely set on dying. Everything’s just too uncertain. We never know if the world will be around tomorrow or not. We don’t know if our lives will crumble underneath our feet. And that thought terrifies me. I wouldn’t be able to function if I didn’t set a date to end my life. But you seem to be fighting it. Still weighing the pros and cons. You’re not in the stage where you can’t function normally. You know you feel like shit, and you’re trying to process all of it. You’re brave to do that. To think about all this in detail. Because if I do that, it’d paralyze me.
So please hang on. I know this is your life and you can do what you want with it, but trust me. You don’t want to reach this stage. Because before you choose to end it, that fear is gonna eat away at you like it is for me. I’ve pretty much lost the battle, but you can still win. Please keep fighting this. I’m not saying that life’s gonna get better, because I can’t predict that. But I know you don’t wanna drown in this fear like I did.
Take care, okay?
Looks like we were both writing a comment about the same time. I don’t know what to say about your comment. I really feel your resolution. Is there anything I can do to help?
@LiquidHuman – I appreciate you saying that. I think perhaps it’s more that my fear of death is equal to my fear of life. And, as I’ve said, I suppose I’m overly attached to being this self. My narcissism won’t let me die.
I’m very far from functional – I have no life. I am totally paralyzed and consumed by fear. And it’s not a sustainable situation.
Yes, so many things that could go wrong. I’m totally with you on the cancer thing. Here’s the thing… There are lots of alternative ways to deal with illness. You don’t have to pick the prescribed pathways. Instead of dealing with life through fear-based eyes, try a different perspective. There’s lots of information out there that can shed some light in areas that you didn’t know about. For instance, did you know that oxygen is an enemy to cancer? Did you know that cancer feeds on sugar? Did you know that negative emotions cause illness? Did you know that speaking things out loud to yourself make your brain absorb it much easier?
Do you think you deserve to have happiness? Do you want to receive good things? Our time here is short as it is and life is so much more than ourselves. There’s a much bigger picture out there. We were meant to love each other.
I dare you to love yourself for a day. I dare you to do something kind for someone else. it can be as simple as a smile. It needs to start somewhere. Sometimes making other people happy makes us feel happy. I’m sure there’s something you can give.
Allow yourself a fresh start. Tell yourself OUTLOUD- Starting right now, I choose to make wise decisions, to kick fear to the curb, to look for love and express it to myself as much as I need to. I forgive myself! You can ask God to forgive you too. He will.
Let those heavy chains fall right off! Read stories of hope and be moved into a new future! You have nothing to lose.
Don’t regret not trying.