Can I just disappear..

The actual act of suicide for me is not the direct solution of what I want.   It is however a means to what I want, which is simply to disappear from everything.    Seems simple enough yet my thoughts, desires, and fears complicate it.      I do not want anything painful, scary, or uncertain.    I simply want to go to sleep.        Why is that considered wrong?   I come back to a line from Shakespeare “To sleep perchance a dream” and I think about what it was like when I had surgery a couple of years ago.     I slept without dreaming.       That is what I want.    I find myself stumbling with a plan.   I really do not want an attention getter like I saw some teenage friends try years ago.    That is a waste of time.     I have had this depression now for over 50 years and each time it has cycled the downturn  has been worse.      I am in  a downturn now and I cannot go through another one.     I am afraid to tell my wife about how I feel, as she may see that as just “drama”   and again that is an attention getter.    I do not want attention.   I just want to disappear..