I want to end it. I’d love to but there’s a few things I’m afraid of. Oddly enough, it’s not what I would do to my “family” if I finally do it. It’s if after I do it, they would do it too. I can’t handle them in life, so how am I supposed to handle them in death? If the fact that them being around just seems to haunt the very peace of my soul, then what am I to do after I die? Must I keep suffering through what we call life? Because honestly I see no point to it. Or rather, I do see some point some of the time, I’m just not entirely sure if it’s all worth it. I know if I did die that I could live with it. Sure, going through with it is somewhat scary, but it isn’t as scary as half the things I’ve already done. All I’d have to do is do it. But then what about those few that have actually been there for me? I’d have to wait a few years to distance myself from everyone, but after all of that time, will I even want to die anymore? Could I handle what I’m doing now when I’m older? I mean, sure. I definitely could. But do I want my future self to have to handle that pain? Just because of the past? Sigh… Why does this life just feel like a phase – a very painful phase? I am dying inside. There is so much that we do every single day of our lives that leads to nothing. There is 7 billion people on the earth and only a handful of people are doing what could actually be deemed meaningful. But then I suppose meaning is just what one thinks is important. If that’s so then what do I think is important? Dying I think. Dying because this world doesn’t have the type of knowledge or peace that I yearn for. It’s all so depressing. So many people fly through life seeing nothing but themselves or everything in the present. I wish I could go back to that, but I had begun to think of life. And now… death, the peace of my mind and soul is yearning to be allowed to live. And I can’t give it that. There is so much more that I could write. And no, I don’t think that this entirely sums things up. Nor do I believe that this seems like I really want to die. Maybe this is just an escape for my thoughts… or maybe, maybe I’m just… slowly going insane.
5 comments
i understand, my family has also stated that if i do anything to myself, they’ll go with me. i’m terrible at expressing myself but you’re not alone.
god, after reading everything, i truly deeply relate to everything you wrote, i really do hope things will get better for you.
I honestly hope the same, but I’m not sure if that’s gonna happen if I continue to dig myself a grave.
i liked “So many people fly through life seeing nothing but themselves or everything in the present.”
not that there is actually something beyond that, but it is about imagination that self-pleasing creatures lack..
also i should just mention that there is no such thing as “successful” suicide plan. please people!
Why rely on the world for the knowledge and peace that you want? I think the point is to create your own and seek your own. If it were to be given to us, all and everything we wished, then I truly would then say, there is no point here. Relying on others is a huge source of pain.. especially with deeper grasps you seem to want to reach for. I enjoyed reading your post. It was philosophical