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I don’t remember when I found this place. I was in highschool and feeling like shit and just sad, and somehow I wound up here. Over the years I come here on and off and on and off again. Just depends on how I’m feeling. I think my initial reasons for using this place was to vent and find some sort of help. I found out some what later that this isn’t really the place for that. This is more like a journal for me to put my thoughts down on. I’ve often described this place as a hole in which people just dump out all they have in their head. I just do this to write down what is in my head. It becomes a bit full so I have to tump some stuff out. Then sometimes I come back to try and remember where I was when I wrote this. What my head looked like at that point in time. Thoughts of suicide have been coming up again. More frequently now. I can’t even remember the last time I felt like this, because you don’t remember the feeling until you feel it. So those waves come and you know when you’re at the rise of the wave, but if you try to think about the last time you were there, you can’t. Anyways, I feel like I don’t have anything to offer. That feeling of suicide has always been just a way to run away. To try and run and hide. It’s not done out of sadness or anger, but just out of a feeling of needing to get away. I don’t think I’ve ever felt passion. About anything. I’m at this point in my life where I have to make these big decisions and working towards these big goals, but I don’t know or feel about anything in particular in any way. They say it is ok if you don’t know what you want to do. But at the same time, they expect you to be working towards this big important thing. They expect you to be heading in some direction. Any direction. Be it something big and important or becoming just another cog, you’re supposed to find your place and try to fit to it. But I feel nothing towards anything. No passion. No desire. Nothing. I do feel something though. The fear of failing. The fear of falling. Down and down and down. But yet I do nothing about it. Fear keeps me up at night, but not working. If that makes sense. I think my problem is that I have no use. No purpose. Like a broken tool. There is no point. So just chuck it then. If it serves no purpose, then just chuck it. I’ve been going to reddit a lot to find some sort of help on how to deal with being ghosted. I have no friends, so I have no one to talk about this sort of thing. All the answers typically involve just leaving her alone. The few answers I got here said more or less the same thing. So far I’ve kept away. Thinking about it, that was one of the few things I cared about, but maybe not for the right reasons. Trying to fill some void, but that’s not the way to fill it. I enjoy the idea of being with someone, but don’t really like anyone. Except one person, but maybe it’s all in my head. I don’t know. I think I’m done emptying my head at this exact point in time. I’ll be back. Don’t know when or why, but I know I will.