It’s hard

When was the time when I lost myself? Just tell me so that I can go back there and undo it or just erase that part of my life… cause I look at my family and imagine what’d happen to them once I’m gone like forever… Who would defend my sister when she’s done something wrong? To whom would mommy talk her heart out? Who would take daddy’s side when they fight? Who would roam around the house giggling unnecessarily (even tho it’s fake)? So just tell me how it all started? Or when it all started? Or why it all started? Cause I’ve no fucking idea… All I remember is that it just did. And once it did, all I could think about was suicide. The reason (if there’s any) is unexplainable… Even to me myself… It’s like it vanished somewhere in my head and now it’s just gone forever. And yes pain really is a prison. And for the first time in a long time, I want to be back to being normal( although normal is overrated but still) cause I don’t want my lil sister to cry at my funeral without even knowing the reason why the person whom she looked up to killed herself. It’s just that I can either die or go back to being normal but I can’t live like this… cause living while wishing to die sucks. It fucking sucks. And I don’t have anyone to talk to which might make me a pathetic loser but I can’t wake up everyday and pretend to be normal when I clearly am not. I’m not fucking normal. I am severely fucked up… My life, head everything is fucked up. And I can’t live like this cause it’s painful it’s hard. I am thinking of every possible way to commit suicide… Like I said earlier, normal isn’t just within my radar. I just… it’s getting harder… Tell me the reason why it all started… Just show me that there’s someone who feels me and would listen to me… But then there’s another thing… Who am I even asking this from cause no one’s gonna read these fucked up words of a fucked up mind of a fucked up person