Do I really want to die? Or do I just want a piece of Heaven on Earth? To be in comfort and stress free, to have enough money to take care of those I love and to contribute to others, that they also have peace and prosperity. I have nothing and yet Buddhism expounds nothingness, I don’t want nothingness I want something-ness. My ideals torture my reality. My fate affected my fortune. What if I kill myself and have the unfortunate luck of having to relive this bane existence over until I accept and fully live out this cruel experience.
Every distressful thought have now given me physical pressure on my head. I constantly study computer subjects to keep me pre-occupied, I listen to Jazz and Trance music to sway with the instrumental flow rather than listen to gibberish lyrics. Escape, Escape, Escape? Where to thou are we? Quantum entanglement have proven true, so is there actually a soul mate for each? Or is that only in the realm of the invisible…?
Sporadic thoughts so I can’t meditate I can only procrastinate. Deep breaths and lots of water, when all this ends I hope it’s finally nothingness, no awareness of my failures, just me and other flotillas drifting among a calm spiritual ocean feeling blessed that it’s finally over.
1 comment
This reminded me of Rave in the grave when the narrator is like,” The only thing life will never tell you is what will happen after it”