Darkness consumes me

I’ve been fighting my battles my entire life, attempting to just be “ok”. I look back and feel such sadness for the younger versions of myself. My past doesn’t hurt me, at least not the same way anymore. It has made me a different person, angrier and worn down. Before me dying was a simple solution to complex suffering I couldn’t seem to get past. Seeing it now I know why everything in my life happened the way it did. I was meant to care for my relative I am her keeper and I wouldn’t change anything. I have watched her suffer far more than I ever have and she maintains her faith and still worries about others, I admire that quality. I have seen her in a burn unit because a medication she was given caused an allergic reaction so severe that her body burned from the inside out. I cleaned her burns as she cried and screamed in pain day after day for the SECOND time in her life from a condition that is rare. She had to experience it 2 times and it was incredibly difficult for me to watch. She went in for a simple outpatient procedure and ended up with her esophagus perforated! She had to have a feeding tube placed and had 5 surgeries because of it and was on a ventilator repeatedly. Her quality of life is severely diminished now and no one seemed to take responsibility or offer any help. These doctors have god complexes and these nurses hate their jobs and take it out on patients and it angers me. I have so much anger, because no doctor offers any help for her medical complications they just stabilize and kick her out. As if it was not already difficult on her and me this pandemic has made it even worse. She is so fragile, if she were to get sick she most likely wouldn’t survive it. So she doesn’t see doctors or go to the hospital because it’s to big of a risk. Sure there are televisits, but she requires face to face evaluations and labs. I can’t live my life, I can’t go to the store because if I get it I bring it home to her. I look at this world and I am repulsed and disappointed. We have grown ass people throwing TANTRUMS about trivial things being closed or about having to wear a mask and be inconvenienced. We have the wealthy taking their precautions but demanding those below them work no matter the risk because some how the working classes health is of no importance. The ugliness of the world is showing, and it is rotten and rancid. These dark secrets are coming to light, innocents who lost their lives because of monsters. We can not possibly be humans living in such inhumane ways. Everyday I pray to god that I don’t get sick and need surgery because no one will be able to take care of my relative. I pray that she doesn’t get so sick that she is required to go to a hospital. And then I see someone throwing a tantrum because they are required to wear a mask in a store!? It angers me, how egotistical?! I know that none of this will end anytime soon but what kind of life is this?! Everything I have been through and overcame has taken a piece of me. I am worn down to the point where I don’t have much fight left in me.