Lost

I stopped posting here awhile ago, I thought things were getting better…… and even though they did for awhile, I feel utterly alone right now.

I finished my degree, got rejected at every grad school I applied, and went on more interviews than I have ever been on in my 15 year career. I’ve never worked this hard to get nothing back. I’ve never had a second interview and not gotten the job… Now my dreams are haunted by desire unfulfilled, hopes crushed.

Honestly, and I’ve had trouble discussing it; I wish I could get myself just a bit lower, just a bit more pain, so that I could do something about it. So that I could end this. One of these days I’m nearly certain I will…. I know just where to go, and just what to do such that I won’t be found.

I just…. don’t know how to function while being useless. I need to have something to show for putting up with the stuff I do on a daily basis. I guess that makes me a workaholic. What’s the fucking cure for that though? I can’t do the work I’m trained for, and I won’t be satisfied doing something else. Death isn’t much of an answer, but it’s more of one than I’ve been able to get out of dozens of employers. It’s not even the whole rotten world, just a select few rotten people mucking up for the rest of us. I try not to look at the things that upset me, but it just lingers in my heart, pain, frustration, that god awful desire to be useful….

I guess I’ll get through; just six more days and I can talk to my doctor; he’ll up the meds until I can’t feel again. Suppose that is my fate; on an endless drift through medications seeking that momentary freedom from pain, until they put enough poison in my that I die. I really am an addict; an addict to my own anger, ambition, and to the validation of others.

Where is the sober up program for that though? I’ve seen how they deal with meth, heroine, etc…. it’s a fucking revolving door, none of those patients get better, it’s just that enough of them die to make room for new patients.

What a piss poor excuse for a culture is this; trains people that it has no remote intention of using — instills work ethic that it has ever intention of discarding — inspires people just for them to fumble along futilely until it knocks them down again. I think that tomorrow I’m going to start trying to get wheels in motion to sell everything I have, move out to where I don’t have to look at or think about all the assholes who don’t give a damn about anyone else; then I’ll finally be normal; I won’t have to give a shit about anyone but myself. Clearly the world is happier for it.