I’m sitting alone in my room. Lights are off, got my song on iTunes. I’ve taken the maximum safe dose for whatever I’ve taken. Another could throw me into cardiac arrest, or shut down the respiratory system.
Should I do it? No one knows. No one has any idea at all.
What’s holding me back? The finality of that choice? Fear?
I don’t know. But I’ve got the rest of the night to figure it out.
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What kind of music you listening to?
TC: “Life in Mono” from the Great Expectations soundtrack.
So I consumed about a gram and a half of propanolol. And waited. About an hour later, my heart started beating funny and I felt like I was sinking into my bed. Oddly calm. Some black tracers in my vision, a second or two of panic…and I was out.
And I woke up what seemed like a second later. Heartbeat was still weird, lots of tingling in my extremeties. And I was tired. And I was alive.
I’m not sure how I feel about this. I guess everyone screw up once or twice before they get it right. On the other hand, I have proven to myself that I’m not afraid to make that final leap, and that feels good.
New information in hand, it’s time to step back and reassess matters more objectively. Rezendevous’d with the ex this morning — surprised him outside his office. I was expecting vitriol. Instead I got a smile. And before the meeting was over, he told me
that he loved me. And while that made me feel so good for a second, it hasn’t wiped away the feelings that drew me to this forum and last night’s course of action. I’m not sure anything will.
I don’t want him to find out about last night. Or that I have this darkness inside of me. Psychologically, I have a great of examination ahead of me. Maybe…everyone has a time like this in their life. Or maybe I’m crazy.
Go to a doctor if you need help medically right now. You can live a happy life.
Well, hell. Not only was this morning a fluke-he blew me off completely this afternoon-but tonight’s attempt failed as well. 28 120-milligram tablets..no dice. Still here. still gettin hit by that nasty wave of abandonment. Gotta do something.