If I could describe my emotions in one word it would be numb. I am numb. If I’m not numb I’m angry, or sad. I drink to drown these feelings out. I’m aware getting drunk alone isn’t healthy, especially when I have work in the morning. I want to feel something. Happiness, joy, love, but most importantly, happiness. All I feel is numbness right now coupled with darkness. A darkness that I cannot explain. One that creeps up and does what it wants to my brain. Help me. Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to attempt again, I don’t want to be hospitalized again, I don’t want any of it.
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I could have written this myself. I dear baby Jesus do I understand.
Just make it end. Let me feel normal. Let me feel. I was drinking to escape, I made myself stop, no idea how I did it. I’m on massive doses of klonopin just to cope right now. Coping seems to be my high bar right now.