why did i write this?

i’ve been having terrible, terrible nightmares. the locations in my dreams are consistent, there’s a whole world, i can always remember and recognize the places, i can even draw out a map if i want to. the dreams are so complex, i can’t even write them out, there’re ridiculous, they’re so obscure i just can’t express the scenes in words. i don’t want to dream anymore. it’s so disgusting, even, the dreams. i’ve been free from them for almost a month, but yesterday the dreams got physcial. i don’t do drugs, but i felt like i had a really bad trip. before i fell asleep i was lying in my bed, i woke up, in the dream, in my bed, the exact same place. i started to feel phsycal pain, my skin started tightening up on me, i stopped being myself as a whole and i became the flesh that’s under the skin,faces started appearing in front of me, as they often do, and i couldn’t move, i couldn’t scream, it’s so painful, mentally, and maybe physically, it was terrifying, i was sure that i was going to die until i woke up. i don’t know why but i thought i should share.it’s all ok now, but i’m still scared. it’s okay, it’s okay , it’ll be okay. i feel like i’m going to go insane. i’m so scared and alone. but i don’t want anyone close to me to know. i feel like i shouldn’t be aging, i’m not a child anymore, but i don’t remember being one, i just want to go back to how things were, i just want to feel loved again, i just want to be normal again. but everything is already far from being fixed, and i’ll drown in my own imagination before i truly run out of options and time. why did things turn out this way? i just want to disappear. i’ve reminded myself of everything but it won’t take long for the thoughts to settle back to the back of my head. i’m taking psychology in school right now, it’s so comedic, i try to not to stop distracting myself, i’m crying again, but it’s quick for everything to be forgotten again, just like that, i’ve become a stranger to myself again.