At the end of Day 10 in the Hospital I am hoping Day 11 is better. I do not want to be here and I just want to disappear.

Not so good sleep night last night.    Got about 4 hours per my CPAP machine.   Still in the Mental health unit of the local hospital until at least Monday when I may be transferred to a Residential facility.  Who knows because I have been getting the run around on the subject of bed availability. given my luck with sleep, medications and low blood pressure this week I am not counting on anything.

This evening the medication nurse managed to piss me off.     I have had a bad foot so walking has been a problem.   Yesterday I did make it out to three group therapy sessions and take a couple walks along the corridor.   Today I made it out into the corridor for a spin.     Well he insisted I come to the med window to get my meds (They had been bringing to my room) so I hobbled with my cane to the window down the hall.  No problem with the walk.     When I got to the window he did not have things ready and took his sweet timed doing that.    Standing on my foot for extended time is what gets painful.   I am not one to make a scene or start yelling, and i was wearing a mask so he did not see that I was in pain.   It          took him 5 minutes to prepare a blood sugar test, another 5 minutes to gather the meds I needed for the evening, and then since I needed an insulin shot He took another 5 minutes to put it together and then he needed someone to put an authorization in the computer he chased around another 5 minutes to find that person.    During that time the nursing supervisor came by and congratulated me for being out and asked me how I was doing and I told her that my foot hurt.  She was nice and got me a chair at least.  When the med nurse returned he was put out by that I could tell.  finally I went over the list of meds he had given me and I realized he had forgotten one…..

How I have been feeling the last few days is irritable.  I am not letting it out because  I consider making a scene rude.    I do share things like that with the DR or Charge nurse but that has not given me the results that I would like.   The Dr. that treated me the first week I truly do not like.    When 5 minutes into his first meeting with me he says I should get bariatic surgery and he can set up a consult that raised the hair on the back of my nuckles.    Two other things did the same and I told the Caseworker and the Dr this week that I do not want him working on my case or at least meeting with me.   I was told they would try to do that.

I am also missing my wife incredibly and I cannot go through this divorce.   I am dreading the day the papers arrive.    Personally I think it would be better for her if our marriage ends with her a widow.    I can structure my will so my family will not fuck with her which I do not want and i have already heard rumbling of that.

So where is my thinking now?    I would like to mimic that I am getting better so they will let me get out and I will go back to my original plan to disappear.