Fading to the Darkness…

I have been fading, dissociating more, feeling more like I’m dying inside… Haven’t really been doing anything but sitting in bed all day, and wanting to just sleep all day. When I do get out of bed to do anything I dissociate so much, like every 5 minutes. I’m crying all day, trying to draw to keep myself distracted but it doesn’t work. I have lost interest in everything that I used to love doing, and I know its because my depression is getting worse. I’m not letting my friends help me because I feel like too much of a burden to go to them with anything. I don’t go to anyone in the family because nobody understands. And I’m just at a point where I really don’t know where to go.
I don’t want to sleep at night because my sleep paralysis has kicked back into being an every night thing when it has been gone for 3 years, and now all the sudden its back and I can’t snap myself out of it. I don’t want to sleep, and I don’t want to be awake.
I just want the pain to go away so I don’t have to feel like this anymore. I need help from people and I know that, but I have no one to turn to and that’s what makes me more upset. I don’t want to turn to someone and then have them just think I’m a burden in the past and tell me “You’re too much, I can’t handle this, or you” Or just simply “I can’t do this” and then leave…
So instead I’m just sinking down the rabbit hole of my own brain and sitting here with my own thoughts that are slowly destroying me. Trying to have things keep me busy when I am awake, and trying to figure out how to pull myself out of the sleep paralysis when I’m asleep.
I feel lost, and I’m drowning…